End and Beginnings

 It's the end of 2022. This year saw the end of my time in Kokomo. That was such a toxic environment I was lost and searching for who I was and who I wanted to be. It left me doubting what I was capable of. I spent months scared I wouldn't find a next job. What am I capable of? After more than 30 years of working with children in either a Y setting or a school setting, I couldn't envision working in any other capacity. 

But

After working over 30 years with children in the Y and in school I couldn't envision working with kids again. I witnessed the world change. It wasn't a gradual devolving where you wake up and realize things are different now. I actually saw and felt the change as it was happening. The time in Kokomo and the changes from Covid were just the final straw. I was pretty sure I didn't want to work with kids who were rude, disrespectful, and just plain mean anymore. 

Then the opportunity in Marion came available. I'm working with kids again. The majority of them are rude, disrespectful and some are just plain mean. Stephanie, the person who held the job before me, didn't manage the program the way one who walk the Y life would. She lied, she claimed to work way harder than she actually did. Staff are not well trained. Frankly, it's a mess. 

Then there is the fact that we lost my sister, Lori, the first week of my job. You expect to lose your parents, but when you lose a sibling, it is almost worse somehow. We weren't super close. My family and extended family were never super close, and didn't try to forge strong bonds, but still, it sets your world to tilt. 

I tend to strive for some version of perfection, and the failure to come close to adequate, disquiets my soul. I want to succeed. I want to make the world, or my corner of it, better. I want to make a difference. At 54, I don't know that is possible. 

Going into 2023, I've thought of my "One Little Word". The one that seemed to choose me is "Settle". 

Not settle as in accept lesser, but settle as in quiet my soul. 

Settle as in stabilize the child care program. 

Settle as in figure out the systems and policies and set in place logic and understanding. 

Settle as in create a stable environment for the kids who come to us to thrive in. 

I spend so much time running from crisis to uncertainty to dis-ease, I want to focus on settling my spirit, my mind, and maybe even my body. 

Settle is my focus for 2023.

At least for now. 😄

Light at the end of the tunnel

 It's been a month since my last post. I finally hit the wall. I've been working form 6:30 in the morning until 6 at night every day. That means getting up at 5:15. I now have a fever and my sinuses are killing me. I left really early on Friday and slept 12 hours last night. 

However, I am closer to staffing. I hired 3 young sisters. They are 15 and 16 years old. They can't be left alone, but it helps to fill out the ratio. Two hold overs downtown are on the fence for me. One I think will be ok, but the other is more of a bully. Passive aggressive and lazy. 

I hired someone who it turns out isn't as self-motivated as I would like. He graduates college in a couple weeks, so I'm not sure where we'll be as far as him being employed. 

The offsite at Northview is the reason I have to get up at 5:15 every day. I can't find anyone to work. 

We aren't having a program during winter break, so I can focus on paperwork that has been neglected since before I took over. I'm going to try to find a way to connect with people who may want to work. 

So, I feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel. I just hope it isn't a train.