First Full Week

     I finished my second week of work, but my first full week. The list of what I need to accomplish is so long!

    I need staff. That is mission number one. However, I also need to keep the program afloat fiscally as well as from a program standpoint. 

     I don't know who to print invoices for let alone how to make the invoices?

    How do you check on CCDF payments?

    How does CACFP work?

    Parents pay?

    There is no real budget... just numbers of income and expense on a piece of paper. How do I know what my targets are and if I am hitting them?

    It's a mess.

    Then the staff. There isn't enough of them and the ones I have have never been trained. They pick kids up. The tickle them! They jokingly call them names that they think is teasing, but can seriously hurt the kids feelings. All they know how to do is "play". They really don't know how to supervise. They are not a team and call off when they "don't feel well" not caring what it does to the program or the kids or their fellow staff. 

I'm writing this so I can remember how bad it was when I look back from the other side. 

Remember what it's like when you start the year with kindergarten and they don't know all their letters or numbers and by the end of the year they can read, and write, and add and subtract and the next year you start all over again? 

That's where I am. 

at the beginning

almost forgot

No schedule

No plan

1 staff

12 four year Olds

1 staff 

19 third and 4th graders

No plan

No supplies

2 staff

20 kindergarten to 2nd

Cramped space

Broken toys

No plan

"So busy.

Couldn't get it done."

"Working on it."

All plan

No Do

Empty slate

Ready for foundation. 

Plans ready for action

Chomping at the bit

I got my name tag today. I guess they plan to keep me. 

It was another wasted day of Stephanie pretending she knows how the computers work and how the paperwork works, but fumbling and stumbling around. She tap, tap, taps, at the keyboard and then sighs loudly because it won't do what she thinks it needs to do. 

I had to walk away. 

A child was running away from the staff who was chasing him.

 I finally got him calmed down. Not the way the staff expected, and it took a while, but I got him calmed down. He had kicked another child because she told him to shut up. Where were the staff?

The staff have not been trained. They pick children up and allow them to sit on their laps. 

The kids go to the bathroom on their own when there is easy access to any number of people in the Y. 

The same activity is offered to all the kids who are expected to do the activity at the same time-- ages 4-12. 

Gym time is devoid of equipment, so it is a free for all covering the entire gym space. 

Currently this space is called the "Teen Room" and is where the 3rd through 6th graders hold their activities with one staff member. 

And this is where K to 2 have theirs. 

The walls have no color or decorations. The room is long and narrow, so it feels small. 

Broken, generic crayons and worn down colored pencils are available, as is paint and glitter. 

Supplies are those you'd get from oriental trading which I absolutely hate. 

The program currently is like the latest Teddy Bear "mint in box". I want to get it to the point where the Teddy Bear is more like the Velveteen Rabbit - worn and loved and real. 

I plan to order supplies, and paint, and put up bulletin boards, and change the "teen room" to the cafeteria, and change the younger kid room to crafts and play. Staff will be trained and will no longer treat kids like they are baby sitting. So much to do, and I want it all done now, but I have to wait. 

Stephanie is done next Friday. 

Then the work begins. 

 

Goodbye

 How do you say goodbye to a sister gone too soon?

You were the one who walked me to the library and stood by as I printed my kindergarten print name on the card that would allow me to check out books.

Because you were a reader. 

You gave me books from your bookshelf, because you thought I'd enjoy them. 

You bought me a subscription to Jack and Jill magazine, so I'd get mail. 

I remember walking home from Frost Stop with a gallon of Root Beer for Root Beer Floats. You carried it most of the way.

You brought me a beanbag frog from the hospital gift shop where you worked.

You loved music. Because of you WLOI/WCOE, the local country station wasn't my only source of music. American Band Stand and Soul Train played while we did our chores on Saturdays. Well, my chore was dusting the stairs, but cool music was playing. You'd sing along and dance... teaching me the bump. You weren't Mary Poppins, but you made chores fun. 

You came home from work on my birthday one year, and gleefully sang Happy Birthday ending with "you look like a monkey, and you smell like one too." I was not impressed at the time. You also laughed as you waved you hand at my head and told me it was a brain eater and asked what it was doing. When I said I didn't know, you said, "Starving." And you taught me the poem "Late last night in the middle of the day, two dead boys got up to play." Just fun things you heard at work that made you laugh and you wanted to share with us. 

You had to share a bed with me until Rick moved out when I was 6. You would have been 17. That couldn't have been fun, but I never knew how awful it was, because you never complained. 

You were joy and laughter. You looked out for others and put yourself last. 

Maybe that's why you are gone too soon. You never learned to listen to you. 

I wish you would have. Maybe then I wouldn't be missing you today...

Maybe I wouldn't be missing you forever. 

Love you, Lori. 💔

Day One

 It was my first day at the Grant County Y. 

The day started with a call to 911. Not at the Y but outside our door. I was backing out of the garage when I heard a noise like someone hit something on the road. I saw a piece of plastic fly up into the air. 

"Weird." I thought. I continued backing up and saw our neighbor running a split second before I saw he was running toward a van laying on it's side in the grass of the next neighbors yard. I ran toward it as well and called 911 as I was the only one with a phone. Calling 911 is more nerve wracking than I thought it would be. 

The driver turned out to be ok. His steering had locked up and he lost a wheel completely. Police arrived. He had taken out our mailbox in the process, so we now need to get a new one. 

I left to get to the clinic for my drug screen and TB test. 

It took for- ev- er. There is no hurry in those nurses. My appointment was at 8:30... I got in at 9:30. I had thought it would only take 15 minutes, so I was losing my mind waiting. 

I finally got to work, and Stephanie wanted to show me Daxko. I remembered more than I thought I would. 

The staff brought in a child who was having issues. He is autistic. But I think environment is half the battle. Stephanie had to leave at noon, so I spent the rest of the day observing and being with the kids and staff. I explored areas - opening closets and looking in cubbies. 

They have parts of things and pieces of parts. No order or direction. No protocols or procedures. Noise and chaos sending kids into chaos or withdrawal. 

I have thoughts on how to proceed, but need to let my brain spin it around some more. 

Tomorrow is day 2. I will only be working until 2 or so, because we are going to La Porte for Lori's viewing and funeral on Wednesday. 

More to come. 

Well, It's official

 I went today to sign the papers to onboard at the Y in Grant County. 

I met with the current director and I'm still worried. Things that don't make sense.

She doesn't contact parents who's kids don't show up even though they are supposed to be there. 

She doesn't make parents fill in the bus out, bus in, in addition to the sign in and sign out.

She doesn't make parents sign their kids out - staff does that. 

She has one staff person with kids. 

She said she would have to look at the schedule to say what the kids are doing on break next week. I'm not sure she actually has a schedule. 

Licensing will be there in the next 3 months, so she is going to try to be sure she has all the paperwork updated before she leaves, but I'm not confident that will happen. 

On the upside, my future office is huge and beautiful and I can't wait to organize my things within it. 

Fingerprints tomorrow. Drug test and TB test on Friday.

I officially start on Monday. (She has no idea how many kids are expected to show up.)

I heard a quote today that echoes what I've been feeling: 

"You've got to jump off the cliff all the time and build your wings on the way down.”

― Ray Bradbury

I'm worried I'm not qualified. That I'm not ready. That this is a huge mistake. The vibe there is a little wonky right not. I'm sure it has to do with the two that are leaving...I hope that is what is causing the vibe.

I need to fall back on being myself. I think there is a potential for authenticity. 

What are wings made of???

It's my Birthday!

 I hate being the center of attention, so a day where the focus is on you is rough.

I told Matthew he needed to help assuage my neurosis. 

I was getting text messages wishing me a happy birthday. I was anxious about Charlie contacting me about getting started at the Y.  I wanted to hide under the bed. I wanted to go to Olive Garden for lunch. We needed groceries. Matt needed a hair cut. I wanted to hide under the bed. 

We went to Kokomo.

I did get a call from the Y but let it go to voice mail. I meet with Lauren on Wednesday at 10

Sheri texted me to say Happy Birthday, but also to tell me Lori has declined the last few days if I want to see her. I will again be judged, because I don't deal with death like the others. 

I've said goodbye. I've made my peace. I can't sit with death. 

Mark made my homemade pizza and Angel Food Cake. 

It's my birthday. 

It was a good day. 

Here We Go Again

 When I left the Kokomo Y, it was with scars on my heart, soul, and confidence. They broke me down and belittled my every effort. I left not believing I would go back to child care. 

When school started this fall, it was the first time since the boys were toddlers that I hadn't been involved in "Back to School" in some way. But I slowly got used to it.

Then one of Mark's collogues, the CEO from the Grant County Y in Marion, found he needed someone to take over his Child Care and Camp program. 

Today I signed the offer.

The program needs staff, they have no structure, staff aren't well trained. I am basically starting from scratch while the program is underway. 

I am worried I don't have what it takes. 

I'm worried I will be a complete failure.

I'm afraid that my insufficiency will be proven and any past success was a fluke. 

Here we go again.