End and Beginnings

 It's the end of 2022. This year saw the end of my time in Kokomo. That was such a toxic environment I was lost and searching for who I was and who I wanted to be. It left me doubting what I was capable of. I spent months scared I wouldn't find a next job. What am I capable of? After more than 30 years of working with children in either a Y setting or a school setting, I couldn't envision working in any other capacity. 

But

After working over 30 years with children in the Y and in school I couldn't envision working with kids again. I witnessed the world change. It wasn't a gradual devolving where you wake up and realize things are different now. I actually saw and felt the change as it was happening. The time in Kokomo and the changes from Covid were just the final straw. I was pretty sure I didn't want to work with kids who were rude, disrespectful, and just plain mean anymore. 

Then the opportunity in Marion came available. I'm working with kids again. The majority of them are rude, disrespectful and some are just plain mean. Stephanie, the person who held the job before me, didn't manage the program the way one who walk the Y life would. She lied, she claimed to work way harder than she actually did. Staff are not well trained. Frankly, it's a mess. 

Then there is the fact that we lost my sister, Lori, the first week of my job. You expect to lose your parents, but when you lose a sibling, it is almost worse somehow. We weren't super close. My family and extended family were never super close, and didn't try to forge strong bonds, but still, it sets your world to tilt. 

I tend to strive for some version of perfection, and the failure to come close to adequate, disquiets my soul. I want to succeed. I want to make the world, or my corner of it, better. I want to make a difference. At 54, I don't know that is possible. 

Going into 2023, I've thought of my "One Little Word". The one that seemed to choose me is "Settle". 

Not settle as in accept lesser, but settle as in quiet my soul. 

Settle as in stabilize the child care program. 

Settle as in figure out the systems and policies and set in place logic and understanding. 

Settle as in create a stable environment for the kids who come to us to thrive in. 

I spend so much time running from crisis to uncertainty to dis-ease, I want to focus on settling my spirit, my mind, and maybe even my body. 

Settle is my focus for 2023.

At least for now. 😄

Light at the end of the tunnel

 It's been a month since my last post. I finally hit the wall. I've been working form 6:30 in the morning until 6 at night every day. That means getting up at 5:15. I now have a fever and my sinuses are killing me. I left really early on Friday and slept 12 hours last night. 

However, I am closer to staffing. I hired 3 young sisters. They are 15 and 16 years old. They can't be left alone, but it helps to fill out the ratio. Two hold overs downtown are on the fence for me. One I think will be ok, but the other is more of a bully. Passive aggressive and lazy. 

I hired someone who it turns out isn't as self-motivated as I would like. He graduates college in a couple weeks, so I'm not sure where we'll be as far as him being employed. 

The offsite at Northview is the reason I have to get up at 5:15 every day. I can't find anyone to work. 

We aren't having a program during winter break, so I can focus on paperwork that has been neglected since before I took over. I'm going to try to find a way to connect with people who may want to work. 

So, I feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel. I just hope it isn't a train.

And the first Solo Week

It started Monday at 6:30 at Northview. My regular staff person couldn't be there, so I filled in... again. 

I started to learn how to actually check people in for CCDF. 

I learned the staff have no idea how to do a fire drill. 

I sent a child home early. 

I sent the same child home until next Tuesday.

I caught an awful sinus cold.

I started bringing back Character Counts.

I had a minor win in changing kids behavior.

I had a child melt down and tell me he wished I was dead.

His mom said her son wouldn't say that.

He screamed at me that I was a liar.

I had my breast MRI.

If we were inspected today, we could be shut down.

But no worries. I'll just quietly panic. 

First Full Week

     I finished my second week of work, but my first full week. The list of what I need to accomplish is so long!

    I need staff. That is mission number one. However, I also need to keep the program afloat fiscally as well as from a program standpoint. 

     I don't know who to print invoices for let alone how to make the invoices?

    How do you check on CCDF payments?

    How does CACFP work?

    Parents pay?

    There is no real budget... just numbers of income and expense on a piece of paper. How do I know what my targets are and if I am hitting them?

    It's a mess.

    Then the staff. There isn't enough of them and the ones I have have never been trained. They pick kids up. The tickle them! They jokingly call them names that they think is teasing, but can seriously hurt the kids feelings. All they know how to do is "play". They really don't know how to supervise. They are not a team and call off when they "don't feel well" not caring what it does to the program or the kids or their fellow staff. 

I'm writing this so I can remember how bad it was when I look back from the other side. 

Remember what it's like when you start the year with kindergarten and they don't know all their letters or numbers and by the end of the year they can read, and write, and add and subtract and the next year you start all over again? 

That's where I am. 

at the beginning

almost forgot

No schedule

No plan

1 staff

12 four year Olds

1 staff 

19 third and 4th graders

No plan

No supplies

2 staff

20 kindergarten to 2nd

Cramped space

Broken toys

No plan

"So busy.

Couldn't get it done."

"Working on it."

All plan

No Do

Empty slate

Ready for foundation. 

Plans ready for action

Chomping at the bit

I got my name tag today. I guess they plan to keep me. 

It was another wasted day of Stephanie pretending she knows how the computers work and how the paperwork works, but fumbling and stumbling around. She tap, tap, taps, at the keyboard and then sighs loudly because it won't do what she thinks it needs to do. 

I had to walk away. 

A child was running away from the staff who was chasing him.

 I finally got him calmed down. Not the way the staff expected, and it took a while, but I got him calmed down. He had kicked another child because she told him to shut up. Where were the staff?

The staff have not been trained. They pick children up and allow them to sit on their laps. 

The kids go to the bathroom on their own when there is easy access to any number of people in the Y. 

The same activity is offered to all the kids who are expected to do the activity at the same time-- ages 4-12. 

Gym time is devoid of equipment, so it is a free for all covering the entire gym space. 

Currently this space is called the "Teen Room" and is where the 3rd through 6th graders hold their activities with one staff member. 

And this is where K to 2 have theirs. 

The walls have no color or decorations. The room is long and narrow, so it feels small. 

Broken, generic crayons and worn down colored pencils are available, as is paint and glitter. 

Supplies are those you'd get from oriental trading which I absolutely hate. 

The program currently is like the latest Teddy Bear "mint in box". I want to get it to the point where the Teddy Bear is more like the Velveteen Rabbit - worn and loved and real. 

I plan to order supplies, and paint, and put up bulletin boards, and change the "teen room" to the cafeteria, and change the younger kid room to crafts and play. Staff will be trained and will no longer treat kids like they are baby sitting. So much to do, and I want it all done now, but I have to wait. 

Stephanie is done next Friday. 

Then the work begins. 

 

Goodbye

 How do you say goodbye to a sister gone too soon?

You were the one who walked me to the library and stood by as I printed my kindergarten print name on the card that would allow me to check out books.

Because you were a reader. 

You gave me books from your bookshelf, because you thought I'd enjoy them. 

You bought me a subscription to Jack and Jill magazine, so I'd get mail. 

I remember walking home from Frost Stop with a gallon of Root Beer for Root Beer Floats. You carried it most of the way.

You brought me a beanbag frog from the hospital gift shop where you worked.

You loved music. Because of you WLOI/WCOE, the local country station wasn't my only source of music. American Band Stand and Soul Train played while we did our chores on Saturdays. Well, my chore was dusting the stairs, but cool music was playing. You'd sing along and dance... teaching me the bump. You weren't Mary Poppins, but you made chores fun. 

You came home from work on my birthday one year, and gleefully sang Happy Birthday ending with "you look like a monkey, and you smell like one too." I was not impressed at the time. You also laughed as you waved you hand at my head and told me it was a brain eater and asked what it was doing. When I said I didn't know, you said, "Starving." And you taught me the poem "Late last night in the middle of the day, two dead boys got up to play." Just fun things you heard at work that made you laugh and you wanted to share with us. 

You had to share a bed with me until Rick moved out when I was 6. You would have been 17. That couldn't have been fun, but I never knew how awful it was, because you never complained. 

You were joy and laughter. You looked out for others and put yourself last. 

Maybe that's why you are gone too soon. You never learned to listen to you. 

I wish you would have. Maybe then I wouldn't be missing you today...

Maybe I wouldn't be missing you forever. 

Love you, Lori. 💔