Anxiety and Depression

I have anxiety and depression.

It gets easier to say. Acknowledging this makes it easier to accept the feelings and not feel there is something wrong with me.

It fees a little like driving a car in Chicago traffic at rush hour, knowing how to drive, but being physically unable to steer or touch the brakes.

I know what would make things better, but I would rather crawl under the bed and hope that it will all be over when I crawl out again.

Friday is the last day of school...for the year, and forever for our family. Our youngest is graduating high school, and I have resigned my position at the elementary after 12 years.  I have so many problems with the way our district is run that I am just done. I am happy to not be dealing with it all any more. But, I love working with kids, I care about these kids, and knowing I won't be back is hard.

I am resigning. because hubby has been living and working 2 hours away for the last 7 years. He's come home on weekends and for school functions and holidays, but I have been a part time single mom for 7 years. With both boys in college in the fall, we can live together again.

To live together again, we have to sell our house here. That means packing and sorting and storing and figuring out what to keep and what to get rid of. We have a lot of clutter after 13 years in this house. The stress of all of it is a huge weight. On the one hand, I want to just throw everything into boxes and throw into storage and be done. But the monumental task has me wanting to crawl under the bed and hope a clone of me, that isn't a mess, will take the initiative and do it for me.

Hubby wants to wait until after graduation to think about a storage shed. Youngest wants a party and parties are a huge stressor for me. How do we plan for people? How much food to plan? Activities--yes or no? Order a cake or make a cake? What if only family shows up, since he doesn't have a lot of friends? He will be crushed. I think. One sister just had a mastectomy. Will she be OK? And all of this is the evening of graduation, after seeing our baby walk across the stage and into adulthood.

Both boys are working at camp this summer. Oldest loves it and has changed his major in school and thus has changed colleges because of camp. Will youngest love it? Will he gain maturity?

Oldest is visually impaired, but has had training in adaptive driving and has his license. He now has a car. We have driven with him, but not a lot before he left for camp. I worry about him driving up there.

They will both be at Ball State in the fall. Will they find friends? Will they find their passion? Will they meet girls that will be girlfriends? I don't want them to be alone.

Moving to where hubby lives and has a life will be stressful, because those people can't wait for me to be there. Hubby is going to try to protect me from the onslaught, but I'm going to have to meet new people. I'm going to have to interact. That is stressful.

When we sell our house, we can look for one there. I will miss this house, so what will we find? Something with the view we have now?

I am taking the summer off to figure out who I am again. I will eventually have to get a job-- two kids in college remember. I have no idea what I want to do. I have only ever worked with kids. What do I do if I don't work with kids?

And to top it all off I turn 50 in October.

There is so much in such a short span of time, I'm drowning. I wish I could thrive on the challenge and live in every moment as they happen, but I can't. I feel bad for wishing it all to be over and settled, because I will miss the individual moments.

Hubby is great, but he has his own ideas of how things should progress. I have friends, but they have things going on in their lives as well. Hence the out of control car.

I have anxiety and depression, but by saying it out loud, I can start to take some form of control. I still can't steer, but maybe by listing it all and acknowledging it is a huge weight, I can maybe tap the brakes before wind up a sobbing ball in the corner.

I have anxiety and depression, but I'll get through and be stronger..stay tuned.

Encyclopedia of Me: Volume H

Loosely based on Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life by Amy Krause Rosenthal.

Volume H

Hard Moments: Everyone has hard moments in life. The hard moments don't have to be negative, just life changing. Here are a few of mine.

Moving to Alaska: I had never been so far from home and family. We didn't know how long we'd be there or what it would be like. When we left, we didn't know when we'd see family and friends again. Being there wasn't as hard as I thought, even the 50 below wasn't bad. The dark all the time was the worst. But we strengthened our marriage by only having each other to rely on.

Delaware: Living in Delaware made us appreciate our life growing up in the Midwest. (see defining moments)

Parents dying: My parents died two years apart. It is hard to no longer have your link to your heritage.

High School: I liked my high school. We were the La Porte Slicers. I had jobs, and wasn't able to go to games -- not that I would have anyway. I did, however, go to the dances every home game. My friends and I and later Mark and his friends had a blast. Usually followed by Burger King and cruising Lincolnway. I was in the top 15% academically. I learned typing on a typewriter that had blank keys. I took 4 years of French. I took Math as far as Geometry because that's all I had to. I was in Choir. I hated Gym. I took Government in Summer School, because it was easier. I lost friends and gained others. But most importantly, I gained my soul mate.

Husband: My husband is my hero. He is the calming force in my life. He is the epitome of character. In the y, in the 90's there was the Character Counts iniative, for which the corner stones were: caring, honesty, respect, and responsibility.
Mark is caring and compassionate to everyone he interacts with. He is able to calm situations that arise in his job and handles them in a way that allows everyone to leave with dignity.
Honesty is as important to him as it is to me and the way to get him angry is to lie to or about him. He is honest and can be trusted without doubt.
Respect comes naturally for him. He meets with CEOs and politicians as well as tough kids and single moms and treats them all with the same respect and dignity.
Responsibility- When we decided to have kids, I tried to juggle having our son with us at work. When that didn't work, he supported and agreed with the decision to have me stay home with our kids. Because of that decision, he took on the role of sole provider for an eventual family of 4.
Because of who he is, heart and soul, people are drawn to him and instinctively trust he is doing things for the greater good.
He is a good man and I'm so proud of him and all he's accomplished, and I am lucky he chose me.