Anxiety and Depression

I have anxiety and depression.

It gets easier to say. Acknowledging this makes it easier to accept the feelings and not feel there is something wrong with me.

It fees a little like driving a car in Chicago traffic at rush hour, knowing how to drive, but being physically unable to steer or touch the brakes.

I know what would make things better, but I would rather crawl under the bed and hope that it will all be over when I crawl out again.

Friday is the last day of school...for the year, and forever for our family. Our youngest is graduating high school, and I have resigned my position at the elementary after 12 years.  I have so many problems with the way our district is run that I am just done. I am happy to not be dealing with it all any more. But, I love working with kids, I care about these kids, and knowing I won't be back is hard.

I am resigning. because hubby has been living and working 2 hours away for the last 7 years. He's come home on weekends and for school functions and holidays, but I have been a part time single mom for 7 years. With both boys in college in the fall, we can live together again.

To live together again, we have to sell our house here. That means packing and sorting and storing and figuring out what to keep and what to get rid of. We have a lot of clutter after 13 years in this house. The stress of all of it is a huge weight. On the one hand, I want to just throw everything into boxes and throw into storage and be done. But the monumental task has me wanting to crawl under the bed and hope a clone of me, that isn't a mess, will take the initiative and do it for me.

Hubby wants to wait until after graduation to think about a storage shed. Youngest wants a party and parties are a huge stressor for me. How do we plan for people? How much food to plan? Activities--yes or no? Order a cake or make a cake? What if only family shows up, since he doesn't have a lot of friends? He will be crushed. I think. One sister just had a mastectomy. Will she be OK? And all of this is the evening of graduation, after seeing our baby walk across the stage and into adulthood.

Both boys are working at camp this summer. Oldest loves it and has changed his major in school and thus has changed colleges because of camp. Will youngest love it? Will he gain maturity?

Oldest is visually impaired, but has had training in adaptive driving and has his license. He now has a car. We have driven with him, but not a lot before he left for camp. I worry about him driving up there.

They will both be at Ball State in the fall. Will they find friends? Will they find their passion? Will they meet girls that will be girlfriends? I don't want them to be alone.

Moving to where hubby lives and has a life will be stressful, because those people can't wait for me to be there. Hubby is going to try to protect me from the onslaught, but I'm going to have to meet new people. I'm going to have to interact. That is stressful.

When we sell our house, we can look for one there. I will miss this house, so what will we find? Something with the view we have now?

I am taking the summer off to figure out who I am again. I will eventually have to get a job-- two kids in college remember. I have no idea what I want to do. I have only ever worked with kids. What do I do if I don't work with kids?

And to top it all off I turn 50 in October.

There is so much in such a short span of time, I'm drowning. I wish I could thrive on the challenge and live in every moment as they happen, but I can't. I feel bad for wishing it all to be over and settled, because I will miss the individual moments.

Hubby is great, but he has his own ideas of how things should progress. I have friends, but they have things going on in their lives as well. Hence the out of control car.

I have anxiety and depression, but by saying it out loud, I can start to take some form of control. I still can't steer, but maybe by listing it all and acknowledging it is a huge weight, I can maybe tap the brakes before wind up a sobbing ball in the corner.

I have anxiety and depression, but I'll get through and be stronger..stay tuned.

Big Project

I accepted a project from camp this weekend. They have boxes of slides. Thousands of slides. Slides in slide protectors and placed in binders. Loose slides. Slides in slide boxes. Literally thousands of slides. To some this would be tedious and boring, but I am loving it.

There are slides from the mid 1990s all the way back to the 1950s. There may be older ones, I've just started.

It is so fascinating to see what were common pictures -- pictures much the same as the ones we take today. But the buildings are newer, and the trees are different. It is fun to see the clothes and activities.

Each photo makes me want to do more research. I want to find out more about the history. I have a big project and I am planning on making it bigger. What exactly is the timeline of camp? When did the changes occur? Who was involved? What were the rituals and legends and when and why did they fall out of favor?

But the big take away from looking at these photos? Keep it simple. These photos were before photoshop and are beautiful in their simplicity. I can trust that they are what was happening and not manufactured. There is interest in the honest truth. We all need to take more of those. They will mean more in years to come.

Consequences

It's not what I wanted.

I had a girl tell me this boy was telling her something inappropriate.

This was after another teacher reported he had his arm around another boys neck. 

The answer from the powers that be was, "There is a history between the boy and girl --mostly on social media." And concerning the issue between the boys, "There is a difference between intent to hurt and horseplay." 

Our incident forms are major and minor. But 3 minors equal a major. We are not allowed to send them to the office without a filled out form. The powers that be, decide consequences -- if any.

I am assuming this is typical in most schools?

Hierarchy of a recess incident

kid tells IA on the playground

IA tells teacher who tells IA to write up an incident report

Incident report may or may not go to office depending on severity

Incident report goes to Dean of Students who is at school 2.5 days a week

Dean of Students investigates when she has time, and may or may not call the children involved down to talk. This could happen days if not more than a week after the event. 

The adults may or may not learn what comes of that conversation.

The climate of many schools is the same. Nothing happens so kids continue the behavior. Nothing happens, so kids stop reporting. Nothing happens, so adults stop reporting. Noting happens, so kids retaliate.

Tonight I was included in an email to the 2 teachers and learned the boys fate. He actually has a consequence this time, but I'm not sure how I feel about it. It is deserved. But I get the feeling the consequence was reluctantly given. 

I understand. The powers that be are so far removed from the incident, that unless marks are left or a parent phone call is anticipated, nothing is that big a deal.

Except it is. Every "no big deal" wears away and wears down the structure until you realize there is a gaping wall where solid rock used to be. There have to be boundaries, and the boundaries need to be solid, so all involved can count on them. That doesn't mean zero tolerance, it just means that no means no and stop means stop. It means the consequence is clear, concise, and equally applied. 

Making excuses because of kids' home lives or abilities or our belief that if only the government gave us more money, public education would be better, is not the way to improve education. Bean bag chairs, mood lighting, and coffee bars are not how we improve education. Changing curriculum every year and giving every child a screen device for education is not how we improve education.  WE in education have to stop marinating in chaos. Only then can we say we are doing what is best for our kids. 

Child rearing experts say children need consequences and those consequences should be as close to the offense as possible and be related to the fixing the damage caused. Let's start repairing education by making it at least one place that says what it means and means what it says. A place that sets expectations and lets the kids know we have faith they are capable are living up to them. We owe it to them.

Something to write about

Last day. I made it! I wasn't trying for any prizes or anything, I just wanted to know I could do it again.

Days when nothing happens are hard, because then I'm just writing about how I have nothing to write, in an attempt to write something...a convoluted dog chasing it's tail scenario.

Days when I'm fired up are hard, because I have to breathe and try to coherently convey my passion, without alienating whatever audience I may have at the time.

Conveying the passion is hard, because I really want everyone to jump on the float and travel the parade route with me.

Writing every day on a blog is hard, because there is no continuation as there would be in a book or novel. Every day is new. Every day is a blank page asking for a completely new idea-- some revelation or take away on life. But, like I said, some days really are just a horse and a wagon on Mulberry Street. That's why I think I will continue my Encyclopedia of Me on days where I have nothing else to write, so I have that continuation to keep me going.

Today I planned to just write Volume C for my Encyclopedia of Me, but we got home from spending time with my in-laws, to find our power was out. How long it had been out, or how long it would be out, were unknown.
We ordered pizza.
We played a family game.
The boys played chess by flashlight while hubby and I read by flashlight.
The house grew darker and colder.
I got bored and worried I would miss posting on the last day because of the stupid power outage.

But 4 hours after we got home to no power, it came back on.
We only lost two degrees of temperature from the time we got home.
I got to start a load of laundry.
I got to write this post.

Ironically, the book I was reading by flashlight, while under a blanket,  was The Wilder Life by Wendy McClure. In it, she discusses her fascination with the world of Laura Ingalls Wilder. I was just at the part where she is visiting a farm in Southern Illinois, where people come to experience life as it was lived in pioneer days.

Every time we lose power is a reminder that I would not have survived in pioneer days. I like cooking on our stove. I like the washing machine and it's neighbor, dryer.

 I like electricity.

Now excuse me while I plug in my phone.

Matter of perspective

Many people are lauding the "teenagers trying to make a difference". It's a matter of perspective, isn't it?

Would you think a group of teens trying to get abortion laws changed brave?

Many were struck by all the pairs of shoes outside the Capitol representing the victims of school violence.

How many baby booties would there be for the same time period performed by Planned Parenthood?  Would you be just as saddened and appalled?

Those teenagers are brave for speaking up for what they believe in.

I wonder what the aborted would say, if their voices hadn't been silenced?

Infringement of rights?
Right and wrong?

It's a matter of perspective, isn't it?

My two cents

I have been reading the news articles and Facebook posts on the "Walk Out" protest that took place on Wednesday. Here is my own "in the moment" reflection.

I am afraid of guns. When we first moved to the country, the fact that the neighbors would and could target practice in their own backyards, freaked me out. However, I would never take that right away from them. I just made sure we wore bright colors when we were outside. And it isn't as though they were hunting in their own yards anyway.

Today, I am still afraid of guns, but I'd like to actually go to a gun range with an experienced/trained person who could teach me how to shoot, and so I could know how it feels to shoot a gun. I could never take a life--not of an animal and not of a human. I don't know if I could even if it was life or death. I just don't know.

What I do know is, I would be OK with a body guard. I would be OK with a Police Officer. I would be OK with a friend who knew how to use, and was comfortable with, a gun.

I am tired of hearing people conflating "have the right to arm" and "must arm" when it comes to teachers. Do I want guns in school? Not necessarily. Do I want my kids to be safe? Absolutely yes.

It comes down to trust. Do I trust my district to make the right decision in choosing and training the right people? Do you trust yours?

People today want to give the government all the power, I think, in order to absolve themselves of any responsibility. If your home, school, community is not what you want it to be, it is easier to blame some entity out there, instead of taking the scary step of starting with the people closest to the situation. Children shot in your school is not the fault of the Federal Government honoring the second amendment, it is the responsibility of the school and the culture it allowed to ferment. 

But, there are people out there cheering on kids who are protesting the second amendment. I know there are kids that believe fervently that taking away guns will make them safe. I also know there are kids out there that want to be part of the big, noisy party and get their faces out there for "being brave."

I might support them if they weren't complaining about receiving consequences for their actions. Didn't Civil Rights protesters risk jail and worse? They fought for what they believed, and the consequence was part of what sparked the change. If you leave school without permission you are truant. Period. If you truly believe in your cause, isn't detention a small price to pay for expressing your rights?

And back to the things I have been reading. The hateful name calling. People saying that kids have a right to do and say anything they want in whatever manner they choose, are the biggest problem of all. Everyone has the right to their own opinion. Telling your child they don't have to listen to authority figures, or follow rules if they don't like them, is what is leading to the society we have today...

The name calling, "I know you are, but what am I?" mentality.

Kids are emotional beings. Moods change, thoughts change, beliefs change -- that is part of being a developing human being. They haven't finished developing yet. Our job as adults is to challenge their thinking and help positively direct their energy. They should not be used to further our agenda and regurgitate our words and feelings.

The saying goes that you can't tell a parent how to be a parent. I will tell you...
         If you are teaching your child to hate
         If you are teaching your child that the one who screams loudest is right.
          If you are teaching that only your view point is valid

You are doing it wrong.

You Don't Matter

"You don't matter."

That's is the message some of received on this, our #saysomething day. But let me go back a bit to explain my frustration.

A weekly calendar of events for our school is sent out over the weekend. On this calendar, was #saysomething as the topic of our Monday morning meeting. I had to look up what it was, and since IA's don't attend the Monday morning meetings, I had to ask what it meant for us.

"Classroom teachers are getting T-shirts that say #saysomething and they are supposed to work with their class to create a list of 17 times somebody should say something. There aren't enough shirts for everyone so only classroom teachers are getting them. But somebody asked about jeans and it sounds like Wednesday will be a jeans day," was told to me by more than one person.

Frustrated, I was thinking, "So, teachers find out about this program on Monday and have to present the concept of why 17, as well as the delicate topics that needed to be a part of their lists on Wednesday? How does that make sense?"

I understood and was fine with the T-shirt situation until last night when we got an e-mail "to clarify".

  "Anyone wearing a #saysomething t-shirt or teaching a #saysomething lesson is allowed to wear jeans tomorrow. And yes Friday is a jeans day."

It isn't the t-shirt. It isn't even the jeans really. It is the proclamation that, to me, said, "You don't matter."

Walking into school I see both secretaries wearing a #saysomething t-shirt.

Walking down the hallway, I see the custodian wearing a t-shirt.

The teachers I work with tell me a child from each class is to be chosen to "win" a t-shirt.

The principal has a teddy bear from a fund raiser in her office. She put a #saysomething T-shirt on the bear and put it in the front lobby.

A specials teacher said she was going to make a t-shirt of her own, since specials teachers were originally not going to get them either. She was told she could have one, saw a box full of the t-shirts and got one for each specials teacher.

So, every classroom teacher, every specials teacher, the secretaries, the nurse, the counselor, 16 students, and a giant teddy bear got t-shirts and the humans were able to wear jeans.

 The assistants were in our usual dress clothes because we are not worthy.

Way to build a community within our building.

Then in class, we start making our list. 6th grade, so some kids weren't paying attention or were goofing around, but we did manage to turn it to some serious topics. So much so, a child asked to speak to me in the hall. What child  had to say was important, and I was thinking how ill equipped I was in that moment to do more than listen and ask if child were willing to talk to the counselor.

Child agreed, and I went to find the counselor-- since today is a day she is in our building.

I relayed what had been told to me and let her know child absolutely didn't want it to get out that the information was coming from child. I asked if she had a few minutes and she said she had 25 before her next appointment.

I got child and sent child to her. Child was back in less than 15 minutes. Child didn't look happy.

"Did it go OK?" I asked.

Child shrugged.

"Do you feel like it helped?"

Child shook head.

"I'll try to find a way to help more then," I said.

When I saw the counselor later she thanked me for sending her child. I reiterated that child didn't want anyone to know it was child who told.

"I know. I stressed that to the people I passed it along to," she smiled.

I cannot begin to tell you how I will lose my mind if she screws this up. She is a counselor in training, meaning she isn't yet licensed. What was told to me required more than a 10 minute conversation. Who did she pass it along to and what will they do? How did it pay either child or me to #saysomething?

It was a HUGE step for this child to say what was said. Child's trust will be forever broken and child has so little to believe in as it is... I worry.

Which leads me to the code of secrecy. Our school takes FERPA to mean no one can know anything about a child. That was brought out to me once again during my conversation with child. Child mentioned school was aware of part of what was told to me. Had I known part of what was going on in child's life, I would have had some ground to stand on- a starting point to help.

Around the country, students walked out of buildings to protest gun violence.

 Around the country some teachers led them out the doors.

How many of those students are the same ones who make fun of "weird" kids? How many are part of disenfranchising others who don't fit the mold of popular? How many teachers protesting gun violence are hurling insults and being derogatory in their stance?

Here "we" decided #saysomething was a better approach. The theory being, if we say something, we can make our class, our school, our community better. So some wore t-shirts they will likely never wear again. We made chart paper lists to hang in the hall. And we had brief discussions.

Neither way accomplishes what it sets out to accomplish. Community isn't a division of groups yelling at each other, nor is it a society that likes to promote #saysomething over "know more so you can do more."

Instead of marching to prove you have high morals, how about quiet acts of kindness? Value those around you -- those that agree and at least listen to those who don't.

 Let everyone you meet know they have value, and you will have taken the real first step in building a community. This is well and truly the only way to end violence.

#everyonematters

Faith and a License

"He will probably never drive a car. He may need braille. He may need a seeing eye dog." The doctor listed off the "cover your butt" list of possibilities for her diagnosis of albinism.

As we drove away, the tears slid down my cheeks. I was envisioning the life our 5 month old, first born, son would lead.

My husband, driving, reached for my hand and reminded me the doctor had to give the worst case scenario to avoid the possibility of law suits if they didn't prepare their patients. "Besides," he added, " at least we know he'll get scholarships for college."

At two our guy pointed out a double rainbow to us. At that point, we decided we would never tell him he couldn't do something because of his vision.

The more we learned about albinism from the albinism community we found on line, and watched our child grow, the more we realized the only thing we would need to keep an eye on was making sure he wore sunscreen.

He is a voracious reader but he reads normal print books. He just holds them closer to his face. He sat in the front row in school and had permission to get up if he needed to, to see the board. The district's vision teacher helped him learn to use a telescope to see distance if needed and advocated for him when the Project Lead the Way teacher for his engineering class tried to shrink 4 pages to fit on one two sided paper. Our guy graduated 9th in his class of about 280. He got scholarships based on academics, not because he is visually impaired. He was on the High School archery team and scored high enough that his score helped his team earn their way to state all 4 years.

However, driving was always the elephant in the room. We found out around 16 that his vision was good enough to learn to drive with bi-optics. Because of the time involved, he didn't start with the training until this January. He has been working with an instructor trained in teaching bi-optic driving for the past 3 months.

A couple weeks ago, his instructor came for an evening session to see if night driving would be a possibility. He came back about a half hour after leaving.

"Not going to happen," he said. "The lights are too bright coming at me."

I could hear the disappointment in his voice, but he tried not to be bothered by it. He also informed me he would be taking the driving test for day driving at the DMV soon.

Well, "soon" turned out to be today.

At 1, when I knew his test should be starting, I sent out one more prayer that he pass.

I had told him to let me know because I couldn't wait until I got home. At 2:15 I sent him a  text that read, "???"

While waiting for kids at bus duty I quickly checked my phone and read his text, "I passed!  Just took a while for the paperwork."

Relief, joy, euphoria...not sure how to describe the gift from God this is. He is a 20 year old young man who has been given, not only a license to drive a car, but a license to live a life that is as independent as he wants it to be.

When we found out all those years ago, I prayed not that it not be true, but that God grant me the acceptance of what it is and to help our son live his best life possible.

I've felt every day that God is good. Today his Grace fills my soul.

Thank you God for this most wonderful gift.

Nurturing Butterflies

A butterfly emerging from it's chrysalis needs to struggle to develop its wings so it can fly.

A baby chick has to peck its own way out of its shell in order to build up strength to survive once it breaks free.

If someone were to help either of them-- out of pity at their struggle-- they would succeed only in harming, if not killing them.   Struggle is necessary in order to build the capacity to survive. We as a society have succeeded in harming the next generation through our pity at their struggle. 

Conscience is that little voice inside our head telling us whether something is right or wrong. But who decides right and wrong and how do we instill those values in our kids?

It used to be, at least for me, parents and church that taught me right from wrong. Sometimes fear was the catalyst for that decision. Fear of the paddle (which I don't agree with), but also fear of disappointing those who believed in me and trusted me. A healthy fear is good. It is that voice that says, "This is wrong."

Today we lament parents who have no discipline and only want to be their child's friend. Apparently being their friend is our job?  The world is such a horrible place, and parents are such horrible care givers, that WE in EDUCATION have to be the "safe" place for them?  And just how do we make them feel "safe"?... by being their friend. 

In one of my favorite books, Positive Discipline  by Jane Nelsen it talks about how discipline should "follow the 3 "R's" and be "Natural and Logical"

Related means the consequence should be related to the behavior. 

Respectful means the consequence must not involve blame, shame, or pain and be respectfully enforced.

Reasonable means the consequence must not involve piggy-backing and be reasonable from the child's point of view as well as the adults.

Speaking for my school, we give multiple chances that include stickers and coins and tickets that lead to treasure boxes and prizes... for not throwing a fit, or hitting, or fighting, or disrupting. We take away recess... tomorrow. Our office is a friendly place because kids "shouldn't fear" the office. So in a sense we are a chaotic mess of placation.  We let our pity make excuses for why "they can't succeed". 

They live in a bad neighborhood.

They live in poverty.

They have a parent who has to work two jobs.

Parent is in jail.

Parent is sick.

Drugs.

Etc., Etc., Etc.,

How many success stories start with, "Someone else put in the work and I let them."  When we teach writing we teach there has to be a struggle, an antagonist, a hardship-- that brings about change. 

How would you grade a story whose plot was: Johnny was disruptive and rude. He disrespected adults and caused havoc wherever he went, so his mom let him play on his phone and his teacher let him pick from the prize box, and the principal bought him Mc Donalds and ate lunch with him.  Johnny continued being rude because he liked the cool perks. The End?

I'm positive we have different views on what is right and wrong in the political and social norms aspect of life, and we shouldn't be projecting those beliefs on the children in our charge, but I think we can all agree on the Golden Rule. Expecting kids to be respectful and kind and to treat others with decency is not abuse. It's not even setting the bar too high. 

Many in education don't realize you don't have to be a doormat in order to build relations. Shouldn't we set expectations high enough for them to feel pride in that achievement and the work required, rather than so low they can trip over them when they are walking?

Are we brave enough to let them struggle out of the chrysalis of childhood?

Changed My Mind

I started planning this post this morning. I knew exactly what I was going to write about. The title was going to be something along the lines of: I feel like I'm being bullied.

You see, the kids I'm working with now are in 6th grade. This is my first year being exclusively in 6th grade. The last 11 years I was in Kindergarten. I knew these kids in Kindergarten. They were the group of 27 that followed the group of 17. They were the challenging group that followed the group everyone wished they could loop with. They were the group everyone got through.

I've seen them in the hall, and I had some of them in my reading groups when I did reading intervention. But, for the most part, this is the first time I've been with them since they were 6. And for the most part they haven't changed. They are just as challenging as they were then. Maybe more so, because many who weren't as challenging then, have joined the challenging.

Our school, and really our district, have had a habit of chance after chance with no real consequence. We have used the same tired ideas and they have never change the behavior. For a consequence to be effective, it has to change the behavior.

Then I look at the teaching blogs I follow. I read news articles and posts others share about feeling sorry for the world "our kids live in."  I read how putting kids in rows is torture, because kids need to learn to work together. We get notes from our superintendent-- buying into the narrative that we should have couches and lounge chairs and lamps with scarves draped over them to promote a homey atmosphere. We are being led to believe if we don't provide kids a stress free, consequence free, discomfort free, existence than we, as the adult are somehow unfit for teaching or working with kids.

I was going to write about how, maybe if these kids had had more consequences along the way, we wouldn't be in the position we are in now.  I was going to channel my "These rotten kids today," frustration, but then I read this post from tonight.

https://readreflectteach.wordpress.com/2018/03/04/slice-of-life-2018-day-5-if-you-really-knew-me/

It changed my focus. I've heard of the "What i wish my teacher knew about me" writing assignments before, but reading it tonight brought me back to who I really am.

I am the one who relates to kids. My gift has always been connecting to the kids that drive others crazy. That is what is missing from education.

Testing and teacher evaluations based on those tests have relegated connections to the back burner for many. Schools rely on the quick fix and fear of parents forces the least effective route to changing behaviors.

Time and personnel are what schools need. Can you imagine what it would be like if the assistant in a classroom could pull a student aside and discuss behavior and choices while the teacher continued to teach without needing to ditch the many to counsel the one? What if that assistant could take over the class for a few moments so the teacher could connect to the child? Imagine how much more learning could happen if the kids who "live in trauma" in their home lives didn't have to experience trauma in the classroom just because a school prioritizes and allocates money to the benefit of prestige rather than child development?

I still believe we need to stop calling those who have traditional approaches to education wrong-headed and detrimental to student learning. 

I still believe the collective "we" have failed the group of 6th graders I work with. For 6 years we have capitulated, cajoled, and conceded, and because of that, we have a group of kids who put little effort into their learning, talk back, and ignore adults. We have not helped those who needed us when they were little, and we have harmed those exposed to disruption year after year.

Unfortunately the test still looms for all of us, every year, and unless and until we put our resources toward listening and connecting instead of furniture and fancy technology,  we can't say we have prepared our students for now, let alone that proverbial "world they will be living in."

We Need More Busy-bodies

Growing up the B's lived across the street... on the corner. Mr. Burke was the choir teacher at the high school. Terry was in my sister Sheri's class at school. Kelly was 4 years older than I am and gave me her hand me downs. Mrs. Burke didn't work outside the home. Their house was beautiful and they had every board game I never owned.

Next to them were the D's. They had as many kids as my family. Of the two we played with, Jenny was a coulple years older than me, Julie a year younger than my younger sister. Their parents worked at Whirlpool and their house had air conditioning where the basement was so cold you needed a jacket in the summer. Their yard was immaculate.

Z's were next. They were the cranky old couple who kept any ball that came over their fence.

L's lived in the right half of the duplex that came next. They had a daughter the about the same age as my older sisters.

To the right of our house were the W's. They had kids younger than all of us. Andy was killed when he was six crossing Alexander street on the way to his grandparents. Timmy would say after that he was going to take a ladder to heaven to visit him.

To the left of our house was a revolving door of people for some reason. I remember one family that stuck their hands through our fence and pulled the cotton plants we had brought back from Arkansas out of the ground where we had planted them.

We all belonged to each other. We knew when we did something wrong, we would get called on it ... and then called on it again from our own parents.

I wasn't made to say, "Yes, Ma'am" or "No, Sir," but the Ma'am and Sir were implied.

Smarting off wasn't cute. Some were verbally told so, others physically. Not one of us was abused.

I know this sounds like a good old days yadda yadda story, but in truth losing those days is not as wonderfully progressive as some would have you believe.

We say nothing or hold judgmental  rallies  where we shout about the evils of those whose values contradict our own. WE are perfect in our safe little houses of group think. THEY are not just wrong-headed -- but evil in their dissent. We don't know each other so we don't have to care. Our way is the only way, and anyone who refuses to do as we say is a "bigoted expletive unwilling to compromise."

Stop.

WE are supposed to be grown-ups. What example are we setting when we don't respect police, or military, or our President?

And you'll notice I didn't say like. I didn't say agree with. I didn't say celebrate. I said respect. If we can't model RESPECTFUL disagreement, how can we expect our children to respect anyone or anything.

We are supposed to be grown-ups.

WHY do you believe as you do? Don't list all the ways the person you disagree with is awful as a human being. Why do you believe what you believe? Why should I believe as you do... if I happen to disagree? Go beyond, how it is racist, bigoted, homophobic, classist, or exclusionary. Tell me how your view makes the world a better place.

And then listen.

You may be surprised how much we have in common.

The first step is getting to know the metaphorical people in your neighborhood. If we all belong to each other, maybe it would be harder to hate.

By the way, my house was the green one in the middle. We had the yard with no grass, because all the neighbor kids trampled the grass away. We had no air conditioning. We had open windows and box fans. The back porch smelled of wet laundry. The kitchen smelled of homemade cinnamon rolls. The front porch was where we played Brady Bunch and the back yard was for playing Charlies Angels.

And the street was what we crossed when we wanted to play together.

Florida Thoughts

I remember being 5 months pregnant with our second child, our first down for his nap, when my soap opera was in interrupted by the coverage from Columbine. Tears streamed down my face as I watched kids climb out windows and run. I remember thinking, “What have we done, bringing children into a world that could do this?”

On September 11, the boys were watching Blue’s Clues when I got a call from my husband telling the first tower had been hit. By the time the show finished and I got them playing in another room, I saw the plane go into the second tower. I spent days depressed wondering just what kind of world our boys would live in.

Last Wednesday, I heard about the shooting on the way home from school, and turned the TV on when I got home. I watched the events unfold just as I had before. And while I still feel scared, and contemplate life on a deserted island, I also have a different perspective.

Let me say, I am not a fan of guns. I have never held one that didn’t squirt water. We had a friend who brought one to our house while we were in college and I made him put it in his car. I have a healthy respect for them. But I am happy our Resource Officer carries a gun. We are an elementary school and the only entrance from outside is by buzzer. The kids are rarely out and about alone to let anyone in from side doors – something they would have no reason to do anyway.

Our youngest – the one I was pregnant with during Columbine – is now a Senior. My brain believes he is safe – my heart says a prayer every time I drop him off, and I make sure the last thing I say is, “I love you.”  However, gun bans are not the answer.

Where would it end? I couldn’t begin to list all the guns that could be systematically eliminated. Those who propose a ban on AR15s would go from this gun to the next on the “list”. It isn’t the guns. Anyone who kills another person in anything but war and self-defense is, by my definition, insane.

I am so grateful that this senseless, tragic, killing in Florida is leading to more than just screaming on gun control. Those who believe in gun rights are pushing back against the easy, feel good fix. We could take away the guns, but it won’t change the killing – it will only change the method. No, this time we are forcing the conversation onto values, permissiveness,  lack of family structure, and parental responsibility.

I don’t have any answers. (Remember I send my child to school with a prayer every day.)  But I do know that real change will only happen with real conversation that includes True Values and Responsibility.

 If we stand for nothing, our children will fall for everything. I want to do more than pray it isn’t in another attack that everyone saw coming. 

In Search of Concise

There is the kernel of at least one good blog post here. It needs revising, I know. I just needed to get a rough draft out and see if I find a direction.  Thanks for indulging me.



Are we worthy of respect?

I've been thinking about this lately.

As a collective, educators lament the lack of respect for our profession.

Respect is defined as "a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements."

What abilities, qualities, or achievements do we elicit? How can we expect respect from society as a whole when we don't demand it at the district level?

Teachers have college degrees, many have masters degrees, and all must have continuing education and professional development. Then we behave as though it is OK to be treated as though we are lucky to be employeed.

It is not OK to have to buy copy paper to deliver our lessons because "paper" isn't in the budget.

It is not OK to give kids 1:1 technology and then require teachers to find the appropriate material in which to meet the standards. Not supplemental items to reinforce curriculum, but the actual curriculum. Further these materials must be found outside of contract hours, because there isn't time in a contractual day. Materials must be located, vetted for standards, and be accessible through electronic filters.

It is not OK to only allow praise and bribes, but overlook disruptive and destructive behavior. It is ridiculous to expect miracles when we are not given the tools to succeed.

It is not OK to capitulate to the parents who make excuses for their children.

Some places protected teachers because of a false notion that the degree earned the right to teach. But, in an attempt to show we are no longer that entity we have thrown common sense out the window.

Some people took the quote "If kids can't learn the way we teach, perhaps we should teach the way they learn," and built it up to be THE way to engage kids. And it is, but not in the way you think.

Teaching them the way they learn doesn't mean they run the show. We have so many cute adages to mitigate our worth as teachers. "Be the guide on the side, not the sage on the stage."  "You don't sit at desks in straight backed chairs, why should kids?" "Access to constant liquid and food helps them focus on learning and not being hungry."

Teaching them the way they learn is slowing down or speeding up. It is allowing them to show what they have learned within given parameters. It's listening and reexplaining in different ways until they do know the material.

My favorite nugget though "...the world they will be living in..."

I am terrified. WE are creating that "world" either by choice or by abdication of choice.

UNLESS

we stand up and say, "No More!"

UNLESS

the administrators stand in front of us... and behind us... and say, "You will not treat my staff like that."

UNLESS

we believe we are worthy of respect and Demand RESPECT from our own administration

we may as well resign ourselves to our daily quota of widgets and collect our dollar a day paycheck.

Witch or Doormat?

I am using the theme of Gripes and Grins for the month of February. I am alternating days. Today is an odd day, so today will be a gripe.

I am working in 6th grade this year. I worked with these same kids when they were kindergartners, and not much has changed.

Education today seems to be a choice between being a screaming shrew and being a door mat.

 We spend our days giving kids choice in their learning.

 Many of us are jumping on the Starbucks classroom bandwagon because kids need to have choice in where and how they sit.  After all, we as adults have that choice.
 We should provide lamps instead of the overhead lights because lamps are not as harsh.
 Kids bring water bottles into class because drinking water is essential, not only to life, but to learning.
They bring snacks because they can't think on a stomach that ate two hours ago.
As adults, we listen to music while we work--kids should be afforded that same choice.

We mustn't expect them to work when they don't feel like it. Homework can be turned in when kids get around to it...after all they are busy with their extra-curricular lives.

We require "turn and talk" and group work because that "is the world they will live in."

So kids kick back, relax with their music,
and snacks,
 and drinks,
 in the chair of their choosing,
with their buddies,
and play the games they have put on their computers without permission or watch YouTube videos as they search for the answer
to "What is the capital of Spain"
and we are supposed to look on this with satisfaction because these kids are taking control of their learning.

Until we don't.

We are told to give coins and stickers and prize box gems to kids who are behaving properly in hopes the "fun timers" will want the goodies.

But they rarely do.

We ask politely.
They ignore.

We manipulate.
"I'd like to thank Bobby for getting started on his work."
They snort.

We raise our voice and remind them of what they should be doing.
They roll their eyes.

We approach individuals to ask for them to stay on task.
They promise to our face, then roll their eyes when we walk away.

We resist the urge to turn into a swirling, twirling out of control banshee.
They laugh as they eat another cookie.

We ask for help from our supervisors and are told we need to reward those giving us appropriate behavior, because a consequence for those who aren't, could hurt their feelings and inspire a call from a parent.

It seems kids have all the choice in the world.

We have the choice to be a witch or a doormat.

'Cause THIS is the world we live in.

There's a Program For That

When I was young, I wanted to work with kids, and that meant being a teacher ...or so I thought.

I changed my mind before it was too late, and I'm glad. My instincts were correct for me. Being a camp counselor and later a Child Care and Camp Director, was for me because it is instinctive. Teaching used to be an art, but now it is a program.

Need practice on Math, Reading, and Science? We have Moby Max.
Need practice on Reading? We have A to Z Reading.
How are they doing in Math and Language? We have MClass and Acuity.
Improving in reading? Check with Benchmarking Kits.
Practice for ISTEP? NWEA.
Want to be more creative and still focus on standards? Have a Maker Space room.
Technology is the future of everything, so give even the youngest child an IPAD instead of crayons.

And then there's behavior.

Rather than ask, "When did we lose control?" it seems we should ask, "When did we have control?"

When we took away the Art of teaching and opted for scripts, we lost the natural connections that were made. So, now there is a program for that.

Actually we have had several just in the twelve years I have been in the educational system. Our latest is Positive Behavioral Intervention and Supports-- or PBIS.
Catch 'em being good and ignore bad behavior.

We need a program for this?

I have problems with all of the "Behavior Management" programs. We who work with children shouldn't need a scripted program to guide us in working with children. A scripted program is only good until the next program comes along. And we all know that is about as long as it takes an administrator to go to a new conference and come back with free introductory offers.

Our latest ...mandate? ... is kids who get in trouble more often will be assigned an adult to check in with them every morning and every afternoon, to hear the child's goals and then to see if they met them. Apparently, our PBIS team heard children do better if they know an adult cares about them. So, to show these chosen kids we care, they will bring a piece of paper with goals written on them, and the assigned adult will sign the paper each day. Because... you know... data tracking.

I want to climb on the highest roof top and scream, "You seriously need a program to tell you kids do better if they know you care?!!!!"

Are teachers are so bogged down with every other "program in an app", that they no longer have the God given ability to know a child needs a couple extra minutes of their time, nor do they feel they have the time to devote to touch base? Really?

And why do we not even mention the elephant in the room?  How many administrators does it take to ensure and maintain data points? Could some of that money be spent on more counselor time in every building?

Education majors need training in relating with children. Educators need training in working with kids in crisis. But we are not counselors. We need to be part of the care team and we need to stop hiding behind "privacy rights" and "right to know". I'm sorry, but if a child is acting out because a parent is in jail, or a family member is sick, we need to know. Children often don't have words for what they are dealing with, and giving them a sticker or a dojo point because they hold it together for a morning doesn't help them deal with the emotion. And if they aren't dealing with the emotion, we are all --kids, peers, and adults, paying the price.

The solution isn't a new program or data point-- tracked but forgotten. The solution is common sense, and the bravery to do what is not easy, but instead what is right.

Unfortunately, I don't think there is a Common Sense booth at any conference attended by any administrator.

And even if there was, I'm not sure any administrator would stop to talk to the vendor.

Perspective

In photography it is important to shift perspective. If you shoot a picture from above you diminish the power of the subject. If you shoot a photo from below you give the subject power. Shooting from an angle gives a subject energy.

Distance in time changes your perspective. I spent the last two days in my home town looking at it from the perspective of a visitor. My youngest and I went to the library. The library was my favorite location in town. It is a Carnegie library, and they just finished a year long renovation, so of course the inside is different. But the steps leading up to it seemed different as well. They looked the same but I remember the climb being taller. Somehow they've shrunk over the years.

We drove around trying to find locations of old relatives gleamed from census records and photos. I was trying to find connections to photos where people are posing outside houses but I don't know for sure where they are. I wanted to connect locations to people and to their place in time. In the process of looking for the houses, we drove the path I used to walk to get to my elementary school.

Back then, I had to cross 3 highways to get there. One had a stop light. One wasn't that busy. And one had a crossing guard. And the streets around the school were manned by 6th grade crossing guards with orange vests. (Those interested took turns).  I swear I didn't use to be able to see all the way to that 3rd highway from the stoplight at the first. And I swear it was a much longer walk than just 6 blocks. The parking lot at the Catholic church along the way had at snow hills at least a mile long in the winter all on it's own, so there is no way I only had a measly 6 block walk.

And driving around I noticed the homes in town are much shabbier and smaller than I remember. My yard growing up was a huge oasis of dandelions and the bees who liked to rest on them while I ran barefoot from the back door to the alley. Why did the new owners move the alley closer to the back door?

Perspective also changes dependent on how close you are to events. I was trying to locate houses and taking pictures -- freaking out youngest because I had off handedly mentioned I hoped I wouldn't get picked up for terrorist activity because I was taking pictures of random buildings. One home was only a block from my house and across the street and down three houses from one belonging to my mom's maiden aunts. I knew about the maiden aunts house, but the other one belonged to my mom's great aunt and her husband. Did mom know about that? It was a house I always liked and it still has charm.

We went to a cemetery to find the graves of distant relatives I've grown attached to. I've looked for them before, but without luck. Today we found them. This family, in early November of 1879 had 10 members including 8 children. At the end of December 1879, 5 of those children had died of diptheria. I can not imagine the pain of losing a child, 5 Is beyond comprehension. Apparently Diptheria is a virus of sorts where your lungs fill with fluid and you essentially drown. There was no antibiotic at that time to cure the disease and the tracheotomy that could have enabled breathing to occur until the symptoms passed, had not yet been tried. Finding them today and seeing that all their names were on the big tombstone was satisfying. Seeing they each had a little headstone with their initials carved on top gave me peace. Two stones had fallen over. Little Anna's had been lying down so long it was starting to sink into the earth. I picked them both up and tried to smooth the dirt around them. I brushed the moss off of the big tombstone where it was starting to eat away the etchings. I imagined a moment how it must have felt to bury your children one by one. Impossible.

We went to the museum, because my mother-in-law knows someone who said they might be able to answer my questions about some of the photos I had. I barely had the words, "I was wondering..." as I started to pull out a photo, before the woman taking my money quickly informed me she had no idea about anything,  because she had only lived there for a couple of years. She then added the other person in the windowed office hadn't lived there long either. AND she further injected that the nearly 90 year old resident historian was in, but that she researched for money. She then walked me back to the research room and asked what files I was interested in. She brought the files out and deposited them on the table. She showed the photos I had of an old school, to the historian who said (from her office) the newer version of the  school had been built on the location of the one in my photos. They asked if they could make a copy. They never asked the name of who was in the photos.

And that is when I started to think of the subject of this post. How can you work in a museum that is all about town history and not know anything about the town? There were 4 (probably volunteer) workers sitting and talking as we left. If you know nothing about the very thing you are representing, wouldn't you use your time to find out? No one checked on us in the research room. No one asked if we needed anything else. And we'd had to pay to get in. Very different from the Museum in Warsaw. They only ask for donations and are very friendly and helpful.

So, my thinking is that perspective is a complex issue.

When photographing, I think about what I want to convey with the image I am composing. Looking at the cliches that "time heals all wounds" and "distance makes the heart grow fonder" I take them to simply mean that opinions and memories are shaped by the significance certain events held in your life. Maybe La Porte was always a teeny, tiny, shabby, little place and I just didn't know it because at the time it was THE big wide world? Maybe it isn't the town that has changed. Maybe I am the one who changed; physically and emotionally

And maybe those people at the museum don't care about the history of La Porte because it was never their world. Maybe the people who care for the cemetery didn't notice Anna's stone had fallen over because she doesn't belong to them. There isn't anyone around she belongs to, or who know she belongs to them.

In the broader scheme of things perspective is everything. We can't truly fight for what we believe until we know what we believe and why. People who fight for one current event or another based on how they think-- the people they think  will be affected--  will actually be affected... Unless you can speak from personal experience --either yourself or someone you actually know-- then you don't know. We shouldn't jump on bandwagons just because we like the conductor or the song being played.

We need to look at issues from all angles. If we look up at issues, they will seem more powerful and problematic than if we stand over them. Looking at issues square stagnates them and freezes us to inaction. Where as looking at issues from all angles can give them movement and energy.

Perspective {changes} everything.

Pod People

We were short subs today so I was tapped to sub in one of the 4th grade classrooms. As a sub, the excessive use of technology was wonderful. They basically went from one app to another. Literally the only writing they did was 2 pages from their math work books and during their 20 minute writing period. That is it.

As an observer and a future education activist I have so many problems with this.

We are a 1:1 district and have been for 6 years now. So for all of you who wish you could be, let me tell you -- be careful what you wish for.

When we started -- the initiative was voted in in March or April. Devices were ordered over the summer and teachers got theirs about a week before the students came to school. At that time, K and First got Ipods; 2, 3, &4 got Ipads; and 5-12 got lap tops. FREE apps all around because there wasn't money for any apps. The free apps for Ipods by the way, went up to the letter E.

It was that way for 2 years, then they gave K&1 Ipads as well.

Free apps -- that's what we use. Special permission must be received to get a paid app and then you have to justify why you need it.

We have no actually trained IT person. We have a 26 year old business major who knows about computers.

We have blocked nearly everything in the name of safety-- and requests to get to a video or website has to be obtained from the administration before the IT department can install it.

The amount of people on the network was underestimated and the first couple of years there were many times it just didn't work. We have since gotten our own server and upgraded at least once if not twice.

In order to justify the expense of having the technology, staff are "encouraged" {sic: forced} to use technology as must as possible.

WE must prepare our students to be 21st century learners is the marching order. "Research shows....." followed by all the studies proving  showing evidence for why everything must be technology based.

We were actually told, " kids don't need to know the answer, they just need to know where to find the answer."

But there are studies showing how the excessive use of technology is leading to behavior disorders. Studies show that kids are losing fine motor control, and the core body strength to sit still. Studies show that an increase in recess time-- rather than balance balls, experimental seating, and Go Noodle --could alleviate these issues.

Kindergartners are capable of making a video presentation and monkeys can be trained to drive a car. Neither means they know what they are doing.

The kids today were fairly well behaved and quiet as long as they had MobyMax or Brain Pop in front of them. But as soon as they had to enter the world of the living and breathing they lost it.

Parents use technology as an electronic pacifier that allows them to not be bothered. I understand how hard it is to be a Technology Parent Pioneer. I can write more about that in another post. But as educators we are complicit in the society that is being created.

We say it is because technology is the world of the future. There are those who firmly believe they are doing good promoting this future.

I am not one of them. And it is not because I am unwilling to change. Life is not about immediate gratification. Love, happiness, and a thirst for knowledge are not acquired as quickly as a genie granting a wish. But in the world of technology you can find the "cheat" that answers the problem in your text book. You can play games until the only things in the world are you and your electronic device and you think you are having fun. The world is even becoming one where you can't meet someone in the real world but can through an app?

And for all the people who are pushing technology... because we have 1:1 we have e-learning days... No more make up snow days because they can get assignments through google docs. This may sound fabulous but how long will it be before they think that if kids can be taught as well with google docs, Study Island, and Brain Pop why would they need buildings, IAs, custodians and eventually so many teachers? If a teacher can put a lesson video on line for her class, why couldn't that same video be used for the entire district?

You may wish for technology because you don't have it. You may have technology and actually be using it in moderation and responsibly, but here, this is what technology is. We have been recognized for our whole hog approach.

 If you strive to get technology for all,  make sure you ask what the vision of your administration is. Be sure the best interests of your kids are at the heart of that vision and not the accolades,  glory and career advancement of the adults.

Because right now certain people are wearing a crown while kids are becoming emotional pod people who know where to find the answers to questions they don't know how to ask.

Communication

The full moon isn't until Sunday.

 I checked because today definitely had that "full moon" feeling to it. Kids picking at each other and retaliating when that someone picks back. You know, general crankiness. But driving home from picking older son up from college, I started thinking about communication and the lack of skill in communication.

Kids at school have fewer and fewer skills in relation to communication. They want what they want and they want it now. I realize this has always been true to a degree, but they have eventually learned that there is give and take in life. This is no longer the case.

Today, in school, they have "turn and talk" but it has to be on the topic at hand. Kids have to utilize technology at school and parents choose to use it as a babysitter for their children and a way of self-medicating for themselves. Children no longer discuss books, they respond to a prompt concerning what they wrote. There are no conversations around the dinner table or while driving in the car. Even a 5 minute ride to school in the car has children watching the built in TV instead of engaging in conversation.

Recess is a thing of the past and those schools that do have recess have a short amount of time. We intervene at the slightest hint of disagreement because we are worried about escalation that will lead to someone getting hurt. There is always a parent who will call and complain if their child gets a scratch, so we impose rules with lawyers, not children, in mind.

Parents orchestrate their children's lives out of necessity of time and a society that has actual stranger predators who seek to do harm.

When are children not monitored by an adult who halts difficult situations?

And now we have adults who are on college campuses who refuse to listen. We have celebrities and politicians and pundits who believe whoever talks loudest wins the argument. They want what they want when they want it. Everyone is so busy yelling and repeating themselves and getting into the role of indignant and oppressed that they don't stop to hear the words the other person is speaking.

Are the choices really WIN or lose for most things? Is there no middle ground on most subjects? How will kids learn how to communicate if there are no role models on how it's done? If it takes a village to raise a child, then this global village better start listening at least half as much as they strive to be heard.

If anything is a matter of life and death the need to communicate effectively is it.

Elephant in my School

Elephants abound in our school.

We had a two hour delay day in which the topic was "the purpose and expectations of collaboration." This was continued at our usual 1/2 hour delay Monday morning meeting the next Monday. And the 1/2 hour delay yesterday. (by the way our 1/2 delay usually takes 45 minutes which gets staff to class 5 minutes before the kids are allowed in.)

So. We spent 3 hours discussing "how to collaborate." We are a school of about 350 kids K-6 including fuctional life and preschool. 2 of each grade level. The grade level teachers talk all the time. For the most part, they plan together. The big honking elephant in our school is not how to plan together. The problem in our school is we are not a team. We are individuals and cliques. We are people who have been told we can't discuss one thing or another due to "privacy issues" when in fact it is due to administrator control issues.

Does anyone have meetings that make sense?
Why is it so hard for administrators to actually seek solutions with the kids in mind and from those responsible for working with them involved?
No one has THE answer. Administrators need to be leaders.

Listen to concerns spoken and implied
Educate all involved about the basis and reason for decisions
Ask questions to fully understand the problems at hand
Determine the best direction in resolving issues
Engage the team in determining solutions
Respect differing opinions
Seek success as a team

Am I asking for too much?

The Blank Page Questions

Is it enough to put words on a page? 

When you consider audience, should you have a common thread that keeps readers coming back? The people I read do have a common thread or theme that makes me want to hear what they say.

 That's what I think about when I sit down to write each day. 

Why would anyone want to read about my family game night one day and my quest for pictures of sandhill cranes landing by a pond the next and my genealogy find a third day? 

The blogs I frequent, in addition to a common theme are well written. The ability to write well comes with practice but few people can master all genres equally. Do I pick a form and hone that? Do I use March to experiment and find my genre niche or do I have a blog to play form and genre? 

What is the point and purpose of having a blog? Is it a diary or a letter or are my posts musings or ideas in search of an audience?

I don't know. And that is why I post late every day. And why after March my postings drop dramatically. Why do I even have a blog? 

I need to figure this out. 

Another blank page awaits tomorrow.