Nurturing Butterflies

A butterfly emerging from it's chrysalis needs to struggle to develop its wings so it can fly.

A baby chick has to peck its own way out of its shell in order to build up strength to survive once it breaks free.

If someone were to help either of them-- out of pity at their struggle-- they would succeed only in harming, if not killing them.   Struggle is necessary in order to build the capacity to survive. We as a society have succeeded in harming the next generation through our pity at their struggle. 

Conscience is that little voice inside our head telling us whether something is right or wrong. But who decides right and wrong and how do we instill those values in our kids?

It used to be, at least for me, parents and church that taught me right from wrong. Sometimes fear was the catalyst for that decision. Fear of the paddle (which I don't agree with), but also fear of disappointing those who believed in me and trusted me. A healthy fear is good. It is that voice that says, "This is wrong."

Today we lament parents who have no discipline and only want to be their child's friend. Apparently being their friend is our job?  The world is such a horrible place, and parents are such horrible care givers, that WE in EDUCATION have to be the "safe" place for them?  And just how do we make them feel "safe"?... by being their friend. 

In one of my favorite books, Positive Discipline  by Jane Nelsen it talks about how discipline should "follow the 3 "R's" and be "Natural and Logical"

Related means the consequence should be related to the behavior. 

Respectful means the consequence must not involve blame, shame, or pain and be respectfully enforced.

Reasonable means the consequence must not involve piggy-backing and be reasonable from the child's point of view as well as the adults.

Speaking for my school, we give multiple chances that include stickers and coins and tickets that lead to treasure boxes and prizes... for not throwing a fit, or hitting, or fighting, or disrupting. We take away recess... tomorrow. Our office is a friendly place because kids "shouldn't fear" the office. So in a sense we are a chaotic mess of placation.  We let our pity make excuses for why "they can't succeed". 

They live in a bad neighborhood.

They live in poverty.

They have a parent who has to work two jobs.

Parent is in jail.

Parent is sick.

Drugs.

Etc., Etc., Etc.,

How many success stories start with, "Someone else put in the work and I let them."  When we teach writing we teach there has to be a struggle, an antagonist, a hardship-- that brings about change. 

How would you grade a story whose plot was: Johnny was disruptive and rude. He disrespected adults and caused havoc wherever he went, so his mom let him play on his phone and his teacher let him pick from the prize box, and the principal bought him Mc Donalds and ate lunch with him.  Johnny continued being rude because he liked the cool perks. The End?

I'm positive we have different views on what is right and wrong in the political and social norms aspect of life, and we shouldn't be projecting those beliefs on the children in our charge, but I think we can all agree on the Golden Rule. Expecting kids to be respectful and kind and to treat others with decency is not abuse. It's not even setting the bar too high. 

Many in education don't realize you don't have to be a doormat in order to build relations. Shouldn't we set expectations high enough for them to feel pride in that achievement and the work required, rather than so low they can trip over them when they are walking?

Are we brave enough to let them struggle out of the chrysalis of childhood?