Anxiety and Depression

I have anxiety and depression.

It gets easier to say. Acknowledging this makes it easier to accept the feelings and not feel there is something wrong with me.

It fees a little like driving a car in Chicago traffic at rush hour, knowing how to drive, but being physically unable to steer or touch the brakes.

I know what would make things better, but I would rather crawl under the bed and hope that it will all be over when I crawl out again.

Friday is the last day of school...for the year, and forever for our family. Our youngest is graduating high school, and I have resigned my position at the elementary after 12 years.  I have so many problems with the way our district is run that I am just done. I am happy to not be dealing with it all any more. But, I love working with kids, I care about these kids, and knowing I won't be back is hard.

I am resigning. because hubby has been living and working 2 hours away for the last 7 years. He's come home on weekends and for school functions and holidays, but I have been a part time single mom for 7 years. With both boys in college in the fall, we can live together again.

To live together again, we have to sell our house here. That means packing and sorting and storing and figuring out what to keep and what to get rid of. We have a lot of clutter after 13 years in this house. The stress of all of it is a huge weight. On the one hand, I want to just throw everything into boxes and throw into storage and be done. But the monumental task has me wanting to crawl under the bed and hope a clone of me, that isn't a mess, will take the initiative and do it for me.

Hubby wants to wait until after graduation to think about a storage shed. Youngest wants a party and parties are a huge stressor for me. How do we plan for people? How much food to plan? Activities--yes or no? Order a cake or make a cake? What if only family shows up, since he doesn't have a lot of friends? He will be crushed. I think. One sister just had a mastectomy. Will she be OK? And all of this is the evening of graduation, after seeing our baby walk across the stage and into adulthood.

Both boys are working at camp this summer. Oldest loves it and has changed his major in school and thus has changed colleges because of camp. Will youngest love it? Will he gain maturity?

Oldest is visually impaired, but has had training in adaptive driving and has his license. He now has a car. We have driven with him, but not a lot before he left for camp. I worry about him driving up there.

They will both be at Ball State in the fall. Will they find friends? Will they find their passion? Will they meet girls that will be girlfriends? I don't want them to be alone.

Moving to where hubby lives and has a life will be stressful, because those people can't wait for me to be there. Hubby is going to try to protect me from the onslaught, but I'm going to have to meet new people. I'm going to have to interact. That is stressful.

When we sell our house, we can look for one there. I will miss this house, so what will we find? Something with the view we have now?

I am taking the summer off to figure out who I am again. I will eventually have to get a job-- two kids in college remember. I have no idea what I want to do. I have only ever worked with kids. What do I do if I don't work with kids?

And to top it all off I turn 50 in October.

There is so much in such a short span of time, I'm drowning. I wish I could thrive on the challenge and live in every moment as they happen, but I can't. I feel bad for wishing it all to be over and settled, because I will miss the individual moments.

Hubby is great, but he has his own ideas of how things should progress. I have friends, but they have things going on in their lives as well. Hence the out of control car.

I have anxiety and depression, but by saying it out loud, I can start to take some form of control. I still can't steer, but maybe by listing it all and acknowledging it is a huge weight, I can maybe tap the brakes before wind up a sobbing ball in the corner.

I have anxiety and depression, but I'll get through and be stronger..stay tuned.

Change of Plan

Sometimes you write for an hour and realize edits are needed.
That was tonight. PBIS, kids behavior, adults role in the crisis kids are facing... more keeps popping into my head. This may need to be an outline and planning kind of topic. So instead, a brief panic attack.

Tomorrow is going to be a "hope for the best but accept the worst" kind of day.

We are so short staffed tomorrow that  there are only 2 of us assistants to handle door duty, breakfast duty, lunch duty, and recesses.

Plus 6th grade is working on Rube Goldburg projects all day and I am helping to supervise.

A day of chaos.
At least it is Friday.

In Search of Concise

There is the kernel of at least one good blog post here. It needs revising, I know. I just needed to get a rough draft out and see if I find a direction.  Thanks for indulging me.



Are we worthy of respect?

I've been thinking about this lately.

As a collective, educators lament the lack of respect for our profession.

Respect is defined as "a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements."

What abilities, qualities, or achievements do we elicit? How can we expect respect from society as a whole when we don't demand it at the district level?

Teachers have college degrees, many have masters degrees, and all must have continuing education and professional development. Then we behave as though it is OK to be treated as though we are lucky to be employeed.

It is not OK to have to buy copy paper to deliver our lessons because "paper" isn't in the budget.

It is not OK to give kids 1:1 technology and then require teachers to find the appropriate material in which to meet the standards. Not supplemental items to reinforce curriculum, but the actual curriculum. Further these materials must be found outside of contract hours, because there isn't time in a contractual day. Materials must be located, vetted for standards, and be accessible through electronic filters.

It is not OK to only allow praise and bribes, but overlook disruptive and destructive behavior. It is ridiculous to expect miracles when we are not given the tools to succeed.

It is not OK to capitulate to the parents who make excuses for their children.

Some places protected teachers because of a false notion that the degree earned the right to teach. But, in an attempt to show we are no longer that entity we have thrown common sense out the window.

Some people took the quote "If kids can't learn the way we teach, perhaps we should teach the way they learn," and built it up to be THE way to engage kids. And it is, but not in the way you think.

Teaching them the way they learn doesn't mean they run the show. We have so many cute adages to mitigate our worth as teachers. "Be the guide on the side, not the sage on the stage."  "You don't sit at desks in straight backed chairs, why should kids?" "Access to constant liquid and food helps them focus on learning and not being hungry."

Teaching them the way they learn is slowing down or speeding up. It is allowing them to show what they have learned within given parameters. It's listening and reexplaining in different ways until they do know the material.

My favorite nugget though "...the world they will be living in..."

I am terrified. WE are creating that "world" either by choice or by abdication of choice.

UNLESS

we stand up and say, "No More!"

UNLESS

the administrators stand in front of us... and behind us... and say, "You will not treat my staff like that."

UNLESS

we believe we are worthy of respect and Demand RESPECT from our own administration

we may as well resign ourselves to our daily quota of widgets and collect our dollar a day paycheck.

Someone Needs to Write a Book

The Tylonel murders that led to safety packaging happened while I was still of trick or treating age.

Adam Walsh went missing and turned out to have been murdered when I was of babysitting age.

Two students from school went camping at a local campground and were murdered when I was in High School.

My best friend and I were followed to school several days by a man in a truck who told police he "just wanted to look at the pretty girls."

Columbine happened when I was pregnant with our second child. I watched it unfold on TV while our oldest was napping.

The world is not any more or less safe today than it was 40 years ago.

So why, when I drop our 17 year old at the theater, do I worry as though the worst will happen if I just leave him there?

Elizabeth Stone said, "To have a child is to forever have your heart go walking around outside of your body."

There needs to be a What to Expect the Teenage and College Years because this angst was not covered in the baby books.

I've always thought Love You Forever was creepy and my husband says the mom in that book is a stalker. But, I'm starting to understand where the mom is coming from...

But both my guys have nixed my idea of hubby and me buying an RV and splitting time between the homes they will have with their families.

Darn. :-)

Cryptic

Secrets kept

Games afoot

Fears held close

Prayers spoken

Hopes they are answered soon

My Biggest Anxiety

I can't stand the phone. To be more precise-- I can't stand talking on the phone. ( I will text all day long.) Not to make appointments. Not to find out information. Not to talk to family or friends. If I actually do have to make a phone call, I have to plan out what I'm going to say, what I think the other person will say, and how I will respond before I pick up the phone.

It wasn't always this way. In High School, I may have caused my parents to add call waiting to our phone.

But now I have mini panic attacks if the phone rings-- even if I recognize the number. Sometimes I will even let it go to voice mail so I can decide if I need to call back or if it is possible to answer in a text or e-mail.

I just can't stand hearing voices and not having the body language to go with it. Even if it it is to be a difficult conversation, I would rather it be face to face or in writing.

Am I the only one?

Worry

There was spotting of blood before I knew I was pregnant and I worried.

I was "high normal" for amniotic fluid so I worried.

His heart rate dropped during labor and I worried.

When he was born the cord was wrapped around his neck, his arm, and his leg so I worried.

His bilirubin count at one week was 29 and the hospital tech person remarked, "Wow! I've never seen it that high before!" Boy, did I worry.

He wasn't tracking left to right when he was 3 months old and I worried.

We were told he had albinism and might be legally blind. I worried.

He skipped kindergarten because he would have been the 29th child and they wouldn't have an assistant until there were 30 kids. I worried it was the right choice.

We moved before the end of 1st grade and I worried.

Because of his vision, he was not good at sports in a town that plays sports. He was smart beyond his age. He loved to read. He did not love to talk. I worried because he didn't have many kids he could relate to.
I worried and my heart hurt.

Hubby had to find a new job the summer before 8th grade. He found one 2 hours away. We had to decide whether to move the whole family from our home of 6 years just as the boys were entering their critical teen years or have the boys and I stay and hubby commute on weekends. I still worry if we made the right choice.

There are so many decisions we make on behalf of our children. Most seem huge at the moment:

Breast or Bottle
Cloth or Disposable
when to feed solids
when to potty train
how to celebrate major and family holidays
stay at home mom or working outside the home mom

The list goes on. And at every crossroad we worry if it's the "right" thing.
There are copious amounts of books telling us how we made the "wrong" choice.

Then the day comes when your child leaves for college or the military or marriage or a job opportunity and you realize all your choices culminate in that moment. You've studied for this test with all those books and experts tutoring. And you worry.

At least I do.

We take oldest to campus in a few days -- not far away, but not here anymore.

I know we have a wonderful, intelligent, thoughtful, creative, kind son. People who see him say he is ready and he'll be fine.
He worked at residence camp this summer for 9 weeks. They say he'll be fine.
My husband tells me he'll be fine.

But I know when we drive away, leaving him there with 3 suite mate strangers, on a campus in the middle of a bigger city, to figure out classes and living and managing life his way, I will worry if we did enough to prepare him. I will worry that today's society is too dangerous to allow him to be out there without me to throw myself in front of danger.

And I worry that having done it right means he won't need me anymore.

It is said that to have a child, is to forever have your heart walk around outside your body.

Well, this week -- my heart leaves for college.