I have anxiety and depression.
It gets easier to say. Acknowledging this makes it easier to accept the feelings and not feel there is something wrong with me.
It fees a little like driving a car in Chicago traffic at rush hour, knowing how to drive, but being physically unable to steer or touch the brakes.
I know what would make things better, but I would rather crawl under the bed and hope that it will all be over when I crawl out again.
Friday is the last day of school...for the year, and forever for our family. Our youngest is graduating high school, and I have resigned my position at the elementary after 12 years. I have so many problems with the way our district is run that I am just done. I am happy to not be dealing with it all any more. But, I love working with kids, I care about these kids, and knowing I won't be back is hard.
I am resigning. because hubby has been living and working 2 hours away for the last 7 years. He's come home on weekends and for school functions and holidays, but I have been a part time single mom for 7 years. With both boys in college in the fall, we can live together again.
To live together again, we have to sell our house here. That means packing and sorting and storing and figuring out what to keep and what to get rid of. We have a lot of clutter after 13 years in this house. The stress of all of it is a huge weight. On the one hand, I want to just throw everything into boxes and throw into storage and be done. But the monumental task has me wanting to crawl under the bed and hope a clone of me, that isn't a mess, will take the initiative and do it for me.
Hubby wants to wait until after graduation to think about a storage shed. Youngest wants a party and parties are a huge stressor for me. How do we plan for people? How much food to plan? Activities--yes or no? Order a cake or make a cake? What if only family shows up, since he doesn't have a lot of friends? He will be crushed. I think. One sister just had a mastectomy. Will she be OK? And all of this is the evening of graduation, after seeing our baby walk across the stage and into adulthood.
Both boys are working at camp this summer. Oldest loves it and has changed his major in school and thus has changed colleges because of camp. Will youngest love it? Will he gain maturity?
Oldest is visually impaired, but has had training in adaptive driving and has his license. He now has a car. We have driven with him, but not a lot before he left for camp. I worry about him driving up there.
They will both be at Ball State in the fall. Will they find friends? Will they find their passion? Will they meet girls that will be girlfriends? I don't want them to be alone.
Moving to where hubby lives and has a life will be stressful, because those people can't wait for me to be there. Hubby is going to try to protect me from the onslaught, but I'm going to have to meet new people. I'm going to have to interact. That is stressful.
When we sell our house, we can look for one there. I will miss this house, so what will we find? Something with the view we have now?
I am taking the summer off to figure out who I am again. I will eventually have to get a job-- two kids in college remember. I have no idea what I want to do. I have only ever worked with kids. What do I do if I don't work with kids?
And to top it all off I turn 50 in October.
There is so much in such a short span of time, I'm drowning. I wish I could thrive on the challenge and live in every moment as they happen, but I can't. I feel bad for wishing it all to be over and settled, because I will miss the individual moments.
Hubby is great, but he has his own ideas of how things should progress. I have friends, but they have things going on in their lives as well. Hence the out of control car.
I have anxiety and depression, but by saying it out loud, I can start to take some form of control. I still can't steer, but maybe by listing it all and acknowledging it is a huge weight, I can maybe tap the brakes before wind up a sobbing ball in the corner.
I have anxiety and depression, but I'll get through and be stronger..stay tuned.
Showing posts with label oldest. Show all posts
Showing posts with label oldest. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 22, 2018
Tuesday, April 24, 2018
Milestone
I experienced a milestone today. I rode in the van as a passenger while my son drove.
It may not seem a big deal, nearly everyone experiences it, but this was truly momentous. Our oldest is 20 and visually impaired. In order to drive he needed to be trained in the use of bi-optics and had to work with an instructor in order to pass the driving test at the DMV.
He recently passed that, and was waiting for the Low Vision Coordinatior for the state of Indiana to get him the aides he needs.
Because it is a government agency, it was taking forever, so we ordered parts ourselves. They came today and he got them set up in the van. A bigger mirror, a larger speedometer, and lane guides. We practiced at the school before having him drive us home.
He has been trained by professionals and trained by the state, but it was still a little nerve racking. I told hubby it felt a little like being Calvin and Hobbes at the top of that hill in the wagon. My stomach was in knots. I kept saying over and over in my head, "He knows what he's doing. We'll be fine. He knows what he's doing. We'll be fine." And you know what? He did great.
Really.
And he'll only get better with practice...just like any new driver.
So, we'll practice. Tomorrow he will drive us to Walmart.
"We'll be fine. He knows what he's doing."
It may not seem a big deal, nearly everyone experiences it, but this was truly momentous. Our oldest is 20 and visually impaired. In order to drive he needed to be trained in the use of bi-optics and had to work with an instructor in order to pass the driving test at the DMV.
He recently passed that, and was waiting for the Low Vision Coordinatior for the state of Indiana to get him the aides he needs.
Because it is a government agency, it was taking forever, so we ordered parts ourselves. They came today and he got them set up in the van. A bigger mirror, a larger speedometer, and lane guides. We practiced at the school before having him drive us home.
He has been trained by professionals and trained by the state, but it was still a little nerve racking. I told hubby it felt a little like being Calvin and Hobbes at the top of that hill in the wagon. My stomach was in knots. I kept saying over and over in my head, "He knows what he's doing. We'll be fine. He knows what he's doing. We'll be fine." And you know what? He did great.
Really.
And he'll only get better with practice...just like any new driver.
So, we'll practice. Tomorrow he will drive us to Walmart.
"We'll be fine. He knows what he's doing."
Monday, April 2, 2018
Family Vacation
Vacations as a kid were a trip to Arkansas once a year, for a week...in August... to visit my dad's family. I always wished we could go somewhere else.
When Mark and I moved to Alaska for two years, we drove there and back again. Seeing so much of the country made me want to see more.
Once we had the boys, I was excited. Showing the boys all the things I wished I had seen, would not only give them what I never had, but give ME what I never had.
We followed Mark to Boston when he had a conference. We visited an aunt and uncle in New York and saw Niagra Falls and Fort Niagra. We followed the trail in Boston. We visited family in Pennsylvania. We stopped at the site where the plane went down in Shanksville. The boys were 7 and 9. They remember very little.
The next year we visited family in Pennsylvania again for Mark's grandmother's 80'th birthday. We stopped at the sight of the Johnstown flood in Johnstown, Pensylvannia. We stopped at the air and space museum in Ohio. The boys remember very little.
Then, we discovered the new camp director at Pinewood was someone we knew from our days there. His wife used to be a kindergarten teacher. They had two boys the same age as our boys. It was love at first meet. We got invited to come up all the time. What better place for boys to go? The 4 of them would run around and have the time of their lives.
Travelling the country became a distant thought. Especially since we paid for each of them to attend camp for two weeks. We couldn't afford to travel as well.
We are on Spring Break. Youngest leaves for college in the Fall. Oldest will have chosen his next college by this summer. Both will be counselors at Pinewood this summer. We decided to have one last mini vacation before life takes over. We went to Turkey Run today since, even though we live in Indiana, we have never taken the boys...because of camp.
It snowed about 2 inches last night. Would it still be a good plan?
We decided to go ahead and try it. It was wonderful!
There was snow on the ground when we got there, so not many people were on the trails. It was gorgeous!
We walked, and climbed boulders, and picked our way through creek beds. And laughed.
We had lunch at the lodge and went back out to try some other trails. This time the sun was shining and the the sky was vivid blue. Snow from the trees plopped to the ground as the sun melted it from branches. We followed one path that had fast running shallows. At one point oldest and I took off our shoes and socks, because it was just easier.
But dang, if it wasn't freezing.
Literally. There was ice in places.
But we figured freezing for a while, was better than wet feet all day.
We all climbed on slippery rock, and trooped through woods and climbed up and down, and up, and up, stairs. And we laughed.
I hope it isn't our last family vacation. But as stand alone time together that isn't a trip to the mall in Fort Wayne, it was a trip we will all remember.
When Mark and I moved to Alaska for two years, we drove there and back again. Seeing so much of the country made me want to see more.
Once we had the boys, I was excited. Showing the boys all the things I wished I had seen, would not only give them what I never had, but give ME what I never had.
We followed Mark to Boston when he had a conference. We visited an aunt and uncle in New York and saw Niagra Falls and Fort Niagra. We followed the trail in Boston. We visited family in Pennsylvania. We stopped at the site where the plane went down in Shanksville. The boys were 7 and 9. They remember very little.
The next year we visited family in Pennsylvania again for Mark's grandmother's 80'th birthday. We stopped at the sight of the Johnstown flood in Johnstown, Pensylvannia. We stopped at the air and space museum in Ohio. The boys remember very little.
Then, we discovered the new camp director at Pinewood was someone we knew from our days there. His wife used to be a kindergarten teacher. They had two boys the same age as our boys. It was love at first meet. We got invited to come up all the time. What better place for boys to go? The 4 of them would run around and have the time of their lives.
Travelling the country became a distant thought. Especially since we paid for each of them to attend camp for two weeks. We couldn't afford to travel as well.
We are on Spring Break. Youngest leaves for college in the Fall. Oldest will have chosen his next college by this summer. Both will be counselors at Pinewood this summer. We decided to have one last mini vacation before life takes over. We went to Turkey Run today since, even though we live in Indiana, we have never taken the boys...because of camp.
It snowed about 2 inches last night. Would it still be a good plan?
We decided to go ahead and try it. It was wonderful!
There was snow on the ground when we got there, so not many people were on the trails. It was gorgeous!
We walked, and climbed boulders, and picked our way through creek beds. And laughed.
We had lunch at the lodge and went back out to try some other trails. This time the sun was shining and the the sky was vivid blue. Snow from the trees plopped to the ground as the sun melted it from branches. We followed one path that had fast running shallows. At one point oldest and I took off our shoes and socks, because it was just easier.
But dang, if it wasn't freezing.
Literally. There was ice in places.
But we figured freezing for a while, was better than wet feet all day.
We all climbed on slippery rock, and trooped through woods and climbed up and down, and up, and up, stairs. And we laughed.
I hope it isn't our last family vacation. But as stand alone time together that isn't a trip to the mall in Fort Wayne, it was a trip we will all remember.
Friday, March 9, 2018
Faith and a License
"He will probably never drive a car. He may need braille. He may need a seeing eye dog." The doctor listed off the "cover your butt" list of possibilities for her diagnosis of albinism.
As we drove away, the tears slid down my cheeks. I was envisioning the life our 5 month old, first born, son would lead.
My husband, driving, reached for my hand and reminded me the doctor had to give the worst case scenario to avoid the possibility of law suits if they didn't prepare their patients. "Besides," he added, " at least we know he'll get scholarships for college."
At two our guy pointed out a double rainbow to us. At that point, we decided we would never tell him he couldn't do something because of his vision.
The more we learned about albinism from the albinism community we found on line, and watched our child grow, the more we realized the only thing we would need to keep an eye on was making sure he wore sunscreen.
He is a voracious reader but he reads normal print books. He just holds them closer to his face. He sat in the front row in school and had permission to get up if he needed to, to see the board. The district's vision teacher helped him learn to use a telescope to see distance if needed and advocated for him when the Project Lead the Way teacher for his engineering class tried to shrink 4 pages to fit on one two sided paper. Our guy graduated 9th in his class of about 280. He got scholarships based on academics, not because he is visually impaired. He was on the High School archery team and scored high enough that his score helped his team earn their way to state all 4 years.
However, driving was always the elephant in the room. We found out around 16 that his vision was good enough to learn to drive with bi-optics. Because of the time involved, he didn't start with the training until this January. He has been working with an instructor trained in teaching bi-optic driving for the past 3 months.
A couple weeks ago, his instructor came for an evening session to see if night driving would be a possibility. He came back about a half hour after leaving.
"Not going to happen," he said. "The lights are too bright coming at me."
I could hear the disappointment in his voice, but he tried not to be bothered by it. He also informed me he would be taking the driving test for day driving at the DMV soon.
Well, "soon" turned out to be today.
At 1, when I knew his test should be starting, I sent out one more prayer that he pass.
I had told him to let me know because I couldn't wait until I got home. At 2:15 I sent him a text that read, "???"
While waiting for kids at bus duty I quickly checked my phone and read his text, "I passed! Just took a while for the paperwork."
Relief, joy, euphoria...not sure how to describe the gift from God this is. He is a 20 year old young man who has been given, not only a license to drive a car, but a license to live a life that is as independent as he wants it to be.
When we found out all those years ago, I prayed not that it not be true, but that God grant me the acceptance of what it is and to help our son live his best life possible.
I've felt every day that God is good. Today his Grace fills my soul.
Thank you God for this most wonderful gift.
As we drove away, the tears slid down my cheeks. I was envisioning the life our 5 month old, first born, son would lead.
My husband, driving, reached for my hand and reminded me the doctor had to give the worst case scenario to avoid the possibility of law suits if they didn't prepare their patients. "Besides," he added, " at least we know he'll get scholarships for college."
At two our guy pointed out a double rainbow to us. At that point, we decided we would never tell him he couldn't do something because of his vision.
The more we learned about albinism from the albinism community we found on line, and watched our child grow, the more we realized the only thing we would need to keep an eye on was making sure he wore sunscreen.
He is a voracious reader but he reads normal print books. He just holds them closer to his face. He sat in the front row in school and had permission to get up if he needed to, to see the board. The district's vision teacher helped him learn to use a telescope to see distance if needed and advocated for him when the Project Lead the Way teacher for his engineering class tried to shrink 4 pages to fit on one two sided paper. Our guy graduated 9th in his class of about 280. He got scholarships based on academics, not because he is visually impaired. He was on the High School archery team and scored high enough that his score helped his team earn their way to state all 4 years.
However, driving was always the elephant in the room. We found out around 16 that his vision was good enough to learn to drive with bi-optics. Because of the time involved, he didn't start with the training until this January. He has been working with an instructor trained in teaching bi-optic driving for the past 3 months.
A couple weeks ago, his instructor came for an evening session to see if night driving would be a possibility. He came back about a half hour after leaving.
"Not going to happen," he said. "The lights are too bright coming at me."
I could hear the disappointment in his voice, but he tried not to be bothered by it. He also informed me he would be taking the driving test for day driving at the DMV soon.
Well, "soon" turned out to be today.
At 1, when I knew his test should be starting, I sent out one more prayer that he pass.
I had told him to let me know because I couldn't wait until I got home. At 2:15 I sent him a text that read, "???"
While waiting for kids at bus duty I quickly checked my phone and read his text, "I passed! Just took a while for the paperwork."
Relief, joy, euphoria...not sure how to describe the gift from God this is. He is a 20 year old young man who has been given, not only a license to drive a car, but a license to live a life that is as independent as he wants it to be.
When we found out all those years ago, I prayed not that it not be true, but that God grant me the acceptance of what it is and to help our son live his best life possible.
I've felt every day that God is good. Today his Grace fills my soul.
Thank you God for this most wonderful gift.
Friday, February 2, 2018
Summer Jobs
February theme is to alternate days. Gripes on odd days and grins on even days. Today is even, so today is positive.
Yesterday youngest had his first interview for a job. It was over the phone. He interviewed for the job of camp counselor at Camp.
He got it!
We kind of knew it would be a yes. It was a friendly environment, but what a wonderful way to enter the world of work.
My husband and I were counselors there in 1988 and 1989. The boys have been through the camper to CIT to Counselor track since 2009. Oldest will be working his third summer, and will likely be a Senior Counselor.
Working at Camp is seriously, literally, the best job on earth. You are outside in nature, away from electronics, and immersed in learning how to live with others. As staff, you learn how to organize your time, deal with conflicts, and teach kids how to as well. You learn new skills and most importantly you learn what you are capable of.
Working at camp changed the directory of my life and that of my husbands. Our oldest has decided to pursue a different educational path because of camp. I have a feeling it will have the same effect of our youngest.
I am nervous, sad, and terrified of the fact that our last summer as a family is behind us. Both boys will be gone for 8 weeks this summer. I will have an empty house. I will be spending my time packing and cleaning, but it will be me, alone, all day. But you know what?
Our boys will be well on their way to amazing futures because of a Y camp in Michigan.
And I couldn't be happier or more proud.
Yesterday youngest had his first interview for a job. It was over the phone. He interviewed for the job of camp counselor at Camp.
He got it!
We kind of knew it would be a yes. It was a friendly environment, but what a wonderful way to enter the world of work.
My husband and I were counselors there in 1988 and 1989. The boys have been through the camper to CIT to Counselor track since 2009. Oldest will be working his third summer, and will likely be a Senior Counselor.
Working at Camp is seriously, literally, the best job on earth. You are outside in nature, away from electronics, and immersed in learning how to live with others. As staff, you learn how to organize your time, deal with conflicts, and teach kids how to as well. You learn new skills and most importantly you learn what you are capable of.
Working at camp changed the directory of my life and that of my husbands. Our oldest has decided to pursue a different educational path because of camp. I have a feeling it will have the same effect of our youngest.
I am nervous, sad, and terrified of the fact that our last summer as a family is behind us. Both boys will be gone for 8 weeks this summer. I will have an empty house. I will be spending my time packing and cleaning, but it will be me, alone, all day. But you know what?
Our boys will be well on their way to amazing futures because of a Y camp in Michigan.
And I couldn't be happier or more proud.
Tuesday, March 14, 2017
Avoidance
I am an instructional assistant or a Para as some call the position.
I help in classes, I help with medical needs, and I do reading intervention with groups in the afternoon. I get paid for 6.5 hours at school. This is my 7th year of doing reading intervention. I research resources at home. I print manipulatives at home. I cut out and organize things at home. I've bought resources at the teacher store and from the regular stores out of my own pocket. Pencils, crayons, markers, homemade playdough, paper. All me. Things that I need to make copies of and laminaton I do at school with school resources.
Sometimes I have a hard time being motivated to work for free from home.
We had a snow day Monday and I had a planned personal day today because my older son had an eye doctor appointment and my husband was going to be in Indy and couldn't take him. I had such a wonderful time with older son today. But now I am thinking of doing the usual with my reading groups tomorrow instead of trying to find something new. I feel I should be looking for something new but it is amazing the variety of Nothing I can do while avoiding what I don't want to do.
Checking e-mail for school and home
Checking Facebook, twitter, and Instagram
Making popcorn
Eating popcorn
reading some blogs
playing Inside Out Thought Bubbles
reading a few pages of a couple of books I got from the book store today
cleaning the kitchen
watching the voice
texting my husband and also my best friend
researching Woody's Carnegie Library where my husband stopped for
dinner which led to researching if there were any other libraries
in Indiana that are restaurants. (One other but is too far away. 3
also private residences. lucky ducks. Indiana also had the most Carnegie Libraries)
Reading Slices
And writing my Slice for the day is my final act of avoidance
And now that my Slice is done, I think I will work on my Ancestry tree until I go to bed.
Looks like tomorrow will just be the phonics readers I assembled for first grade. Guided reading from the sight word books I assembled for Kindergarten. And Syllabication work from the binders I put together for my 2nd graders.
So I guess I accomplished lesson planning after all.
Sunday, November 13, 2016
Thankful Day 13
Our oldest is in college and it still takes some getting used to.
When I went to college we had a phone in our room but had to use a calling card or call collect. And the internet wasn't really a thing. Needless to say I did not have many conversations with my parents.
I told oldest I would like one proof of life text a week and he has been pretty good about it. And I have been pretty good about letting him be the one to contact me. Baby steps to independence. (just realized the irony and poignancy of that phrase. May be the seed of a poem.)
Today I am thankful for the technology that allows me to keep in touch with my kids and they with me.
When I went to college we had a phone in our room but had to use a calling card or call collect. And the internet wasn't really a thing. Needless to say I did not have many conversations with my parents.
I told oldest I would like one proof of life text a week and he has been pretty good about it. And I have been pretty good about letting him be the one to contact me. Baby steps to independence. (just realized the irony and poignancy of that phrase. May be the seed of a poem.)
Today I am thankful for the technology that allows me to keep in touch with my kids and they with me.
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
Worry
There was spotting of blood before I knew I was pregnant and I worried.
I was "high normal" for amniotic fluid so I worried.
His heart rate dropped during labor and I worried.
When he was born the cord was wrapped around his neck, his arm, and his leg so I worried.
His bilirubin count at one week was 29 and the hospital tech person remarked, "Wow! I've never seen it that high before!" Boy, did I worry.
He wasn't tracking left to right when he was 3 months old and I worried.
We were told he had albinism and might be legally blind. I worried.
He skipped kindergarten because he would have been the 29th child and they wouldn't have an assistant until there were 30 kids. I worried it was the right choice.
We moved before the end of 1st grade and I worried.
Because of his vision, he was not good at sports in a town that plays sports. He was smart beyond his age. He loved to read. He did not love to talk. I worried because he didn't have many kids he could relate to.
I worried and my heart hurt.
Hubby had to find a new job the summer before 8th grade. He found one 2 hours away. We had to decide whether to move the whole family from our home of 6 years just as the boys were entering their critical teen years or have the boys and I stay and hubby commute on weekends. I still worry if we made the right choice.
There are so many decisions we make on behalf of our children. Most seem huge at the moment:
Breast or Bottle
Cloth or Disposable
when to feed solids
when to potty train
how to celebrate major and family holidays
stay at home mom or working outside the home mom
The list goes on. And at every crossroad we worry if it's the "right" thing.
There are copious amounts of books telling us how we made the "wrong" choice.
Then the day comes when your child leaves for college or the military or marriage or a job opportunity and you realize all your choices culminate in that moment. You've studied for this test with all those books and experts tutoring. And you worry.
At least I do.
We take oldest to campus in a few days -- not far away, but not here anymore.
I know we have a wonderful, intelligent, thoughtful, creative, kind son. People who see him say he is ready and he'll be fine.
He worked at residence camp this summer for 9 weeks. They say he'll be fine.
My husband tells me he'll be fine.
But I know when we drive away, leaving him there with 3 suite mate strangers, on a campus in the middle of a bigger city, to figure out classes and living and managing life his way, I will worry if we did enough to prepare him. I will worry that today's society is too dangerous to allow him to be out there without me to throw myself in front of danger.
And I worry that having done it right means he won't need me anymore.
It is said that to have a child, is to forever have your heart walk around outside your body.
Well, this week -- my heart leaves for college.
I was "high normal" for amniotic fluid so I worried.
His heart rate dropped during labor and I worried.
When he was born the cord was wrapped around his neck, his arm, and his leg so I worried.
His bilirubin count at one week was 29 and the hospital tech person remarked, "Wow! I've never seen it that high before!" Boy, did I worry.
He wasn't tracking left to right when he was 3 months old and I worried.
We were told he had albinism and might be legally blind. I worried.
He skipped kindergarten because he would have been the 29th child and they wouldn't have an assistant until there were 30 kids. I worried it was the right choice.
We moved before the end of 1st grade and I worried.
Because of his vision, he was not good at sports in a town that plays sports. He was smart beyond his age. He loved to read. He did not love to talk. I worried because he didn't have many kids he could relate to.
I worried and my heart hurt.
Hubby had to find a new job the summer before 8th grade. He found one 2 hours away. We had to decide whether to move the whole family from our home of 6 years just as the boys were entering their critical teen years or have the boys and I stay and hubby commute on weekends. I still worry if we made the right choice.
There are so many decisions we make on behalf of our children. Most seem huge at the moment:
Breast or Bottle
Cloth or Disposable
when to feed solids
when to potty train
how to celebrate major and family holidays
stay at home mom or working outside the home mom
The list goes on. And at every crossroad we worry if it's the "right" thing.
There are copious amounts of books telling us how we made the "wrong" choice.
Then the day comes when your child leaves for college or the military or marriage or a job opportunity and you realize all your choices culminate in that moment. You've studied for this test with all those books and experts tutoring. And you worry.
At least I do.
We take oldest to campus in a few days -- not far away, but not here anymore.
I know we have a wonderful, intelligent, thoughtful, creative, kind son. People who see him say he is ready and he'll be fine.
He worked at residence camp this summer for 9 weeks. They say he'll be fine.
My husband tells me he'll be fine.
But I know when we drive away, leaving him there with 3 suite mate strangers, on a campus in the middle of a bigger city, to figure out classes and living and managing life his way, I will worry if we did enough to prepare him. I will worry that today's society is too dangerous to allow him to be out there without me to throw myself in front of danger.
And I worry that having done it right means he won't need me anymore.
It is said that to have a child, is to forever have your heart walk around outside your body.
Well, this week -- my heart leaves for college.
Tuesday, August 9, 2016
Listen to your heart
Two years ago was rough.
I watched as my good friend's health deteriorated due to the stress of work.
I experienced a group of children that rivaled all groups I had experienced to date. And not in a good way.
I noted a total lack of support and compassion from someone who judges others on their ability to offer support and compassion.
Last year was worse.
I watched as things unraveled.
I experienced crushing negativity.
I noted the wrong way to build a team or handle staff.
This year approached at a slow march.
The position I'd been interested in and denied each of the last 5 years due to my lack of a teaching degree was once again posted.
I did not find out my schedule until the weekend before the first staff day.
I did not meet my intervention partner until the staff work day.
But.....
She turned out to be great.
And I love my schedule and the people I'm working with.
And the kids this year are the way I remember kids being... very unlike the kids of the past 3 years.
And I will be doing intervention with K, 1, & 2 -- the groups I have finally finessed and gotten instruction to a point I think works and can be successful.
After 4 days I am actually happy. Actually each of the 4 days I have left work happy.
And then the monkey in the wrench...
The person who was going to do intervention got a teaching job and only worked the first day of school.
And I was offered the job. The one I had wanted. But it would require RTI and ESL and record keeping and the possibility of math and writing as well.
But it was THE job.
I said I wanted to think about it.
I talked to my two best friends. I talked to my husband.
And
I declined the offer.
Because our oldest leaves for college a week from Friday.
Because it would be more work for the same amount of pay.
Because I am happy.
And because sometimes your heart changes it's mind.
And sometimes you have to listen to your heart.
I watched as my good friend's health deteriorated due to the stress of work.
I experienced a group of children that rivaled all groups I had experienced to date. And not in a good way.
I noted a total lack of support and compassion from someone who judges others on their ability to offer support and compassion.
Last year was worse.
I watched as things unraveled.
I experienced crushing negativity.
I noted the wrong way to build a team or handle staff.
This year approached at a slow march.
The position I'd been interested in and denied each of the last 5 years due to my lack of a teaching degree was once again posted.
I did not find out my schedule until the weekend before the first staff day.
I did not meet my intervention partner until the staff work day.
But.....
She turned out to be great.
And I love my schedule and the people I'm working with.
And the kids this year are the way I remember kids being... very unlike the kids of the past 3 years.
And I will be doing intervention with K, 1, & 2 -- the groups I have finally finessed and gotten instruction to a point I think works and can be successful.
After 4 days I am actually happy. Actually each of the 4 days I have left work happy.
And then the monkey in the wrench...
The person who was going to do intervention got a teaching job and only worked the first day of school.
And I was offered the job. The one I had wanted. But it would require RTI and ESL and record keeping and the possibility of math and writing as well.
But it was THE job.
I said I wanted to think about it.
I talked to my two best friends. I talked to my husband.
And
I declined the offer.
Because our oldest leaves for college a week from Friday.
Because it would be more work for the same amount of pay.
Because I am happy.
And because sometimes your heart changes it's mind.
And sometimes you have to listen to your heart.
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
New name. Same Me
The word I chose for my One Little Word was an amalgamation of three words.
Write
Right
Rite
Our oldest was graduating High School, was getting a job for the summer, learning to drive, and going to college. So many Rites of passage.
So much was happening at school, in our district, and in the world --and the older I get, the stronger my opinion and the bolder I am in stating my opinion -- what I feel is Right.
And I want to Write it all down. All of it. From my thoughts and opinions on what is happening in the world today to what is happening in my world and even working on my family's past through genealogy.
I really took to heart the part about speaking up about what I feel is right. Not in a demanding way but in a way that hoped for discourse and only when my opinion was invited. I learned that honest opinions are not welcome. In my performance review on day 170 I was told that my attitude had changed and needed to improve in order to keep my job.
My last blog had over 300 posts, but I don't want to go back and analyze every post for something that could be held against me should they try to find out if there is anything that could be held against me. So -- I'm starting over. I won't be cowed. I can guarantee that with all that is going on, I will have opinions and many won't be popular with everyone, but writing isn't about being safe.
My new blog title says it all : Must WRIghT. For better or worse I'm here to live my OLW out loud.
Write
Right
Rite
Our oldest was graduating High School, was getting a job for the summer, learning to drive, and going to college. So many Rites of passage.
So much was happening at school, in our district, and in the world --and the older I get, the stronger my opinion and the bolder I am in stating my opinion -- what I feel is Right.
And I want to Write it all down. All of it. From my thoughts and opinions on what is happening in the world today to what is happening in my world and even working on my family's past through genealogy.
I really took to heart the part about speaking up about what I feel is right. Not in a demanding way but in a way that hoped for discourse and only when my opinion was invited. I learned that honest opinions are not welcome. In my performance review on day 170 I was told that my attitude had changed and needed to improve in order to keep my job.
My last blog had over 300 posts, but I don't want to go back and analyze every post for something that could be held against me should they try to find out if there is anything that could be held against me. So -- I'm starting over. I won't be cowed. I can guarantee that with all that is going on, I will have opinions and many won't be popular with everyone, but writing isn't about being safe.
My new blog title says it all : Must WRIghT. For better or worse I'm here to live my OLW out loud.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)