I have anxiety and depression.
It gets easier to say. Acknowledging this makes it easier to accept the feelings and not feel there is something wrong with me.
It fees a little like driving a car in Chicago traffic at rush hour, knowing how to drive, but being physically unable to steer or touch the brakes.
I know what would make things better, but I would rather crawl under the bed and hope that it will all be over when I crawl out again.
Friday is the last day of school...for the year, and forever for our family. Our youngest is graduating high school, and I have resigned my position at the elementary after 12 years. I have so many problems with the way our district is run that I am just done. I am happy to not be dealing with it all any more. But, I love working with kids, I care about these kids, and knowing I won't be back is hard.
I am resigning. because hubby has been living and working 2 hours away for the last 7 years. He's come home on weekends and for school functions and holidays, but I have been a part time single mom for 7 years. With both boys in college in the fall, we can live together again.
To live together again, we have to sell our house here. That means packing and sorting and storing and figuring out what to keep and what to get rid of. We have a lot of clutter after 13 years in this house. The stress of all of it is a huge weight. On the one hand, I want to just throw everything into boxes and throw into storage and be done. But the monumental task has me wanting to crawl under the bed and hope a clone of me, that isn't a mess, will take the initiative and do it for me.
Hubby wants to wait until after graduation to think about a storage shed. Youngest wants a party and parties are a huge stressor for me. How do we plan for people? How much food to plan? Activities--yes or no? Order a cake or make a cake? What if only family shows up, since he doesn't have a lot of friends? He will be crushed. I think. One sister just had a mastectomy. Will she be OK? And all of this is the evening of graduation, after seeing our baby walk across the stage and into adulthood.
Both boys are working at camp this summer. Oldest loves it and has changed his major in school and thus has changed colleges because of camp. Will youngest love it? Will he gain maturity?
Oldest is visually impaired, but has had training in adaptive driving and has his license. He now has a car. We have driven with him, but not a lot before he left for camp. I worry about him driving up there.
They will both be at Ball State in the fall. Will they find friends? Will they find their passion? Will they meet girls that will be girlfriends? I don't want them to be alone.
Moving to where hubby lives and has a life will be stressful, because those people can't wait for me to be there. Hubby is going to try to protect me from the onslaught, but I'm going to have to meet new people. I'm going to have to interact. That is stressful.
When we sell our house, we can look for one there. I will miss this house, so what will we find? Something with the view we have now?
I am taking the summer off to figure out who I am again. I will eventually have to get a job-- two kids in college remember. I have no idea what I want to do. I have only ever worked with kids. What do I do if I don't work with kids?
And to top it all off I turn 50 in October.
There is so much in such a short span of time, I'm drowning. I wish I could thrive on the challenge and live in every moment as they happen, but I can't. I feel bad for wishing it all to be over and settled, because I will miss the individual moments.
Hubby is great, but he has his own ideas of how things should progress. I have friends, but they have things going on in their lives as well. Hence the out of control car.
I have anxiety and depression, but by saying it out loud, I can start to take some form of control. I still can't steer, but maybe by listing it all and acknowledging it is a huge weight, I can maybe tap the brakes before wind up a sobbing ball in the corner.
I have anxiety and depression, but I'll get through and be stronger..stay tuned.
Showing posts with label younger son. Show all posts
Showing posts with label younger son. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 22, 2018
Thursday, April 26, 2018
Sanity Saver
Youngest is a Marvel Universe fanatic.
I dropped he and his older brother at the theater tonight as a way to save my sanity. We are going to busy this weekend and would have to wait another week to see it, if they didn't go tonight.
To spell that out, that would mean another week of "fun facts", trailers, information, and interviews.
I was given the breakdown of who dies. I know it has a kind of sequel?
And in the end, I saved some sanity.
I dropped he and his older brother at the theater tonight as a way to save my sanity. We are going to busy this weekend and would have to wait another week to see it, if they didn't go tonight.
To spell that out, that would mean another week of "fun facts", trailers, information, and interviews.
I was given the breakdown of who dies. I know it has a kind of sequel?
And in the end, I saved some sanity.
Saturday, April 21, 2018
Brave Boy
How did I give birth to this child?
Don't get me wrong. He looks like my husband and has a bit of my personality. He and I both love singing along to the radio. We metaphorically chase butterflies. We just get on with it. We like to plan but get bored halfway through.
But this child is a morning person. This child is an extrovert. He likes being in a group of people.
This child. This 18 year old young man of ours went to prom tonight alone. He has never been to a dance. He has a lot of friends who are girls, but hasn't been brave enough to ask them out. This child picks the most important night in the life of a Senior to step out alone and says he wanted to go for the experience.
Hubby dropped him off just before 7 when it was starting and we are still awaiting his phone call to come get him -- it is nearly 11.
I am so proud and in awe of his bravery. I would NEVER have done that at 18 and I wouldn't do it now. I hope he is having fun. I hope others are enjoying our bright, funny, quirky, young man. I hope he knows how much I love him.
I can't wait to hear how it was.
Don't get me wrong. He looks like my husband and has a bit of my personality. He and I both love singing along to the radio. We metaphorically chase butterflies. We just get on with it. We like to plan but get bored halfway through.
But this child is a morning person. This child is an extrovert. He likes being in a group of people.
This child. This 18 year old young man of ours went to prom tonight alone. He has never been to a dance. He has a lot of friends who are girls, but hasn't been brave enough to ask them out. This child picks the most important night in the life of a Senior to step out alone and says he wanted to go for the experience.
Hubby dropped him off just before 7 when it was starting and we are still awaiting his phone call to come get him -- it is nearly 11.
I am so proud and in awe of his bravery. I would NEVER have done that at 18 and I wouldn't do it now. I hope he is having fun. I hope others are enjoying our bright, funny, quirky, young man. I hope he knows how much I love him.
I can't wait to hear how it was.
Monday, April 2, 2018
Family Vacation
Vacations as a kid were a trip to Arkansas once a year, for a week...in August... to visit my dad's family. I always wished we could go somewhere else.
When Mark and I moved to Alaska for two years, we drove there and back again. Seeing so much of the country made me want to see more.
Once we had the boys, I was excited. Showing the boys all the things I wished I had seen, would not only give them what I never had, but give ME what I never had.
We followed Mark to Boston when he had a conference. We visited an aunt and uncle in New York and saw Niagra Falls and Fort Niagra. We followed the trail in Boston. We visited family in Pennsylvania. We stopped at the site where the plane went down in Shanksville. The boys were 7 and 9. They remember very little.
The next year we visited family in Pennsylvania again for Mark's grandmother's 80'th birthday. We stopped at the sight of the Johnstown flood in Johnstown, Pensylvannia. We stopped at the air and space museum in Ohio. The boys remember very little.
Then, we discovered the new camp director at Pinewood was someone we knew from our days there. His wife used to be a kindergarten teacher. They had two boys the same age as our boys. It was love at first meet. We got invited to come up all the time. What better place for boys to go? The 4 of them would run around and have the time of their lives.
Travelling the country became a distant thought. Especially since we paid for each of them to attend camp for two weeks. We couldn't afford to travel as well.
We are on Spring Break. Youngest leaves for college in the Fall. Oldest will have chosen his next college by this summer. Both will be counselors at Pinewood this summer. We decided to have one last mini vacation before life takes over. We went to Turkey Run today since, even though we live in Indiana, we have never taken the boys...because of camp.
It snowed about 2 inches last night. Would it still be a good plan?
We decided to go ahead and try it. It was wonderful!
There was snow on the ground when we got there, so not many people were on the trails. It was gorgeous!
We walked, and climbed boulders, and picked our way through creek beds. And laughed.
We had lunch at the lodge and went back out to try some other trails. This time the sun was shining and the the sky was vivid blue. Snow from the trees plopped to the ground as the sun melted it from branches. We followed one path that had fast running shallows. At one point oldest and I took off our shoes and socks, because it was just easier.
But dang, if it wasn't freezing.
Literally. There was ice in places.
But we figured freezing for a while, was better than wet feet all day.
We all climbed on slippery rock, and trooped through woods and climbed up and down, and up, and up, stairs. And we laughed.
I hope it isn't our last family vacation. But as stand alone time together that isn't a trip to the mall in Fort Wayne, it was a trip we will all remember.
When Mark and I moved to Alaska for two years, we drove there and back again. Seeing so much of the country made me want to see more.
Once we had the boys, I was excited. Showing the boys all the things I wished I had seen, would not only give them what I never had, but give ME what I never had.
We followed Mark to Boston when he had a conference. We visited an aunt and uncle in New York and saw Niagra Falls and Fort Niagra. We followed the trail in Boston. We visited family in Pennsylvania. We stopped at the site where the plane went down in Shanksville. The boys were 7 and 9. They remember very little.
The next year we visited family in Pennsylvania again for Mark's grandmother's 80'th birthday. We stopped at the sight of the Johnstown flood in Johnstown, Pensylvannia. We stopped at the air and space museum in Ohio. The boys remember very little.
Then, we discovered the new camp director at Pinewood was someone we knew from our days there. His wife used to be a kindergarten teacher. They had two boys the same age as our boys. It was love at first meet. We got invited to come up all the time. What better place for boys to go? The 4 of them would run around and have the time of their lives.
Travelling the country became a distant thought. Especially since we paid for each of them to attend camp for two weeks. We couldn't afford to travel as well.
We are on Spring Break. Youngest leaves for college in the Fall. Oldest will have chosen his next college by this summer. Both will be counselors at Pinewood this summer. We decided to have one last mini vacation before life takes over. We went to Turkey Run today since, even though we live in Indiana, we have never taken the boys...because of camp.
It snowed about 2 inches last night. Would it still be a good plan?
We decided to go ahead and try it. It was wonderful!
There was snow on the ground when we got there, so not many people were on the trails. It was gorgeous!
We walked, and climbed boulders, and picked our way through creek beds. And laughed.
We had lunch at the lodge and went back out to try some other trails. This time the sun was shining and the the sky was vivid blue. Snow from the trees plopped to the ground as the sun melted it from branches. We followed one path that had fast running shallows. At one point oldest and I took off our shoes and socks, because it was just easier.
But dang, if it wasn't freezing.
Literally. There was ice in places.
But we figured freezing for a while, was better than wet feet all day.
We all climbed on slippery rock, and trooped through woods and climbed up and down, and up, and up, stairs. And we laughed.
I hope it isn't our last family vacation. But as stand alone time together that isn't a trip to the mall in Fort Wayne, it was a trip we will all remember.
Monday, March 12, 2018
Road to College
Back in the fall our youngest, who is a High School Senior, narrowed his college search to 6 schools. After visiting all of them, he narrowed his choices to 3. He applied to, and was accepted by, all 3. We are now in the final lap.
My husband has been the one to go on all the visits so far. I didn't want to stress out our son. Hubby and son went to Anderson University for a final visit a few weeks ago. He loved it!
I took the day off of work today to go with them to Indiana Wesleyan.
Our appointment began at 9, so we left the house about 7:15. I have to mention, the thing I hate most about Daylight Saving is that it is dark in the morning again. You just start to have hope again and, "boom!" it is taken away. As we pulled out of the driveway, I mentioned how wrong it was.
I sat in the backseat, so Son could be in the front. He is quite good at being the DJ with his phone and the bluetooth. He kept us in music the whole 105 minutes.
We arrived in time, and shortly after, we had a meeting with an admissions counselor. She answered questions and explained our day. We were then referred to a student who would take us to Chapel.
Wesleyan is a Christian university and chapel will be required 3 times a week. All in our small visiting group attended, which was a good thing. For my husband and myself, who were raised United Church of Christ and Lutheran, the service was a bit intimidating. I married into the Lutheran faith and both boys have been raised in a Lutheran household. However, we haven't really gone to church much in the last 5 years, so Son wasn't intimidated in the least.
When I say intimidating, I mean they had a band, and the entire student body was in attendance, many waving their hands in the air, playing air guitar, and bouncing to the music. Their voices sang along to words projected onto two screens. To traditional church goers, of traditional services, in small churches, this felt suffocating. If I were the one attending, I could have left then, confident this school was not a good fit. Son enjoyed it.
We next went to lunch. They had great choices, and the food was quite good. Son and Hubby said the food was better than Anderson.
Next was the campus tour. Our guide, Dylan, was fantastic! The tour was very thorough, and Dylan was funny and asked questions and answered all of our questions. I was impressed.
One of the stops, of course, was to see an example of what a dorm is like. The rooms are impressive. The layout seems to offer some privacy and they have suites that share a bathroom, so no communal bathrooms.
We sat in on a creative writing class, which is Son's major of choice. Hubby and I got to sit in as well. I found the professor to be engaging and fun. He had Son sit at a table with kids from the class, and they treated him like an equal.
After the class, we met with the same professor. He let Son know what the Writing major requirements were. He was friendly and helpful.
We went back to the Admissions Center to check out, and Son got a free T-shirt.
We, of course, had to stop at Ivanhoe's for milkshakes on the way home.
The way the college choice points stack up right now:
Both have chapel requirements, but Indiana Wesleyan is much more Faith based.
Anderson had a great History professor. IWU had a great Creative Writing professor.
Then IWU wins in food, dorms, and the fact that they have more band opportunities.
Hubby and I went to Valparaiso University for our Freshman year and graduated from Purdue because Valpo was so much more expensive.
Oldest started at Indiana Tech, but no longer wants to be an engineer, so he is taking the semester off while he decides what he does want to be, and what school will offer that.
What I worry most about, is Youngest will start at a school where Faith is expressed more visibly than he may be comfortable with and need to find a new place to belong.
It's his first "most important decision of your life" decision. It's hard knowing I am not needed or even wanted as anything more than a consultant. But I have to believe we've done our best, and I'd like to think we did a pretty good job.
Indiana Wesleyan University moves to first place.
Next is Ball State.
Then the decision.
Ready or not, here comes the future.
My husband has been the one to go on all the visits so far. I didn't want to stress out our son. Hubby and son went to Anderson University for a final visit a few weeks ago. He loved it!
I took the day off of work today to go with them to Indiana Wesleyan.
Our appointment began at 9, so we left the house about 7:15. I have to mention, the thing I hate most about Daylight Saving is that it is dark in the morning again. You just start to have hope again and, "boom!" it is taken away. As we pulled out of the driveway, I mentioned how wrong it was.
I sat in the backseat, so Son could be in the front. He is quite good at being the DJ with his phone and the bluetooth. He kept us in music the whole 105 minutes.
We arrived in time, and shortly after, we had a meeting with an admissions counselor. She answered questions and explained our day. We were then referred to a student who would take us to Chapel.
Wesleyan is a Christian university and chapel will be required 3 times a week. All in our small visiting group attended, which was a good thing. For my husband and myself, who were raised United Church of Christ and Lutheran, the service was a bit intimidating. I married into the Lutheran faith and both boys have been raised in a Lutheran household. However, we haven't really gone to church much in the last 5 years, so Son wasn't intimidated in the least.
When I say intimidating, I mean they had a band, and the entire student body was in attendance, many waving their hands in the air, playing air guitar, and bouncing to the music. Their voices sang along to words projected onto two screens. To traditional church goers, of traditional services, in small churches, this felt suffocating. If I were the one attending, I could have left then, confident this school was not a good fit. Son enjoyed it.
We next went to lunch. They had great choices, and the food was quite good. Son and Hubby said the food was better than Anderson.
Next was the campus tour. Our guide, Dylan, was fantastic! The tour was very thorough, and Dylan was funny and asked questions and answered all of our questions. I was impressed.
One of the stops, of course, was to see an example of what a dorm is like. The rooms are impressive. The layout seems to offer some privacy and they have suites that share a bathroom, so no communal bathrooms.
We sat in on a creative writing class, which is Son's major of choice. Hubby and I got to sit in as well. I found the professor to be engaging and fun. He had Son sit at a table with kids from the class, and they treated him like an equal.
After the class, we met with the same professor. He let Son know what the Writing major requirements were. He was friendly and helpful.
We went back to the Admissions Center to check out, and Son got a free T-shirt.
We, of course, had to stop at Ivanhoe's for milkshakes on the way home.
The way the college choice points stack up right now:
Both have chapel requirements, but Indiana Wesleyan is much more Faith based.
Anderson had a great History professor. IWU had a great Creative Writing professor.
Then IWU wins in food, dorms, and the fact that they have more band opportunities.
Hubby and I went to Valparaiso University for our Freshman year and graduated from Purdue because Valpo was so much more expensive.
Oldest started at Indiana Tech, but no longer wants to be an engineer, so he is taking the semester off while he decides what he does want to be, and what school will offer that.
What I worry most about, is Youngest will start at a school where Faith is expressed more visibly than he may be comfortable with and need to find a new place to belong.
It's his first "most important decision of your life" decision. It's hard knowing I am not needed or even wanted as anything more than a consultant. But I have to believe we've done our best, and I'd like to think we did a pretty good job.
Indiana Wesleyan University moves to first place.
Next is Ball State.
Then the decision.
Ready or not, here comes the future.
Friday, February 2, 2018
Summer Jobs
February theme is to alternate days. Gripes on odd days and grins on even days. Today is even, so today is positive.
Yesterday youngest had his first interview for a job. It was over the phone. He interviewed for the job of camp counselor at Camp.
He got it!
We kind of knew it would be a yes. It was a friendly environment, but what a wonderful way to enter the world of work.
My husband and I were counselors there in 1988 and 1989. The boys have been through the camper to CIT to Counselor track since 2009. Oldest will be working his third summer, and will likely be a Senior Counselor.
Working at Camp is seriously, literally, the best job on earth. You are outside in nature, away from electronics, and immersed in learning how to live with others. As staff, you learn how to organize your time, deal with conflicts, and teach kids how to as well. You learn new skills and most importantly you learn what you are capable of.
Working at camp changed the directory of my life and that of my husbands. Our oldest has decided to pursue a different educational path because of camp. I have a feeling it will have the same effect of our youngest.
I am nervous, sad, and terrified of the fact that our last summer as a family is behind us. Both boys will be gone for 8 weeks this summer. I will have an empty house. I will be spending my time packing and cleaning, but it will be me, alone, all day. But you know what?
Our boys will be well on their way to amazing futures because of a Y camp in Michigan.
And I couldn't be happier or more proud.
Yesterday youngest had his first interview for a job. It was over the phone. He interviewed for the job of camp counselor at Camp.
He got it!
We kind of knew it would be a yes. It was a friendly environment, but what a wonderful way to enter the world of work.
My husband and I were counselors there in 1988 and 1989. The boys have been through the camper to CIT to Counselor track since 2009. Oldest will be working his third summer, and will likely be a Senior Counselor.
Working at Camp is seriously, literally, the best job on earth. You are outside in nature, away from electronics, and immersed in learning how to live with others. As staff, you learn how to organize your time, deal with conflicts, and teach kids how to as well. You learn new skills and most importantly you learn what you are capable of.
Working at camp changed the directory of my life and that of my husbands. Our oldest has decided to pursue a different educational path because of camp. I have a feeling it will have the same effect of our youngest.
I am nervous, sad, and terrified of the fact that our last summer as a family is behind us. Both boys will be gone for 8 weeks this summer. I will have an empty house. I will be spending my time packing and cleaning, but it will be me, alone, all day. But you know what?
Our boys will be well on their way to amazing futures because of a Y camp in Michigan.
And I couldn't be happier or more proud.
Tuesday, March 28, 2017
Perspective
In photography it is important to shift perspective. If you shoot a picture from above you diminish the power of the subject. If you shoot a photo from below you give the subject power. Shooting from an angle gives a subject energy.
Distance in time changes your perspective. I spent the last two days in my home town looking at it from the perspective of a visitor. My youngest and I went to the library. The library was my favorite location in town. It is a Carnegie library, and they just finished a year long renovation, so of course the inside is different. But the steps leading up to it seemed different as well. They looked the same but I remember the climb being taller. Somehow they've shrunk over the years.
We drove around trying to find locations of old relatives gleamed from census records and photos. I was trying to find connections to photos where people are posing outside houses but I don't know for sure where they are. I wanted to connect locations to people and to their place in time. In the process of looking for the houses, we drove the path I used to walk to get to my elementary school.
Back then, I had to cross 3 highways to get there. One had a stop light. One wasn't that busy. And one had a crossing guard. And the streets around the school were manned by 6th grade crossing guards with orange vests. (Those interested took turns). I swear I didn't use to be able to see all the way to that 3rd highway from the stoplight at the first. And I swear it was a much longer walk than just 6 blocks. The parking lot at the Catholic church along the way had at snow hills at least a mile long in the winter all on it's own, so there is no way I only had a measly 6 block walk.
And driving around I noticed the homes in town are much shabbier and smaller than I remember. My yard growing up was a huge oasis of dandelions and the bees who liked to rest on them while I ran barefoot from the back door to the alley. Why did the new owners move the alley closer to the back door?
Perspective also changes dependent on how close you are to events. I was trying to locate houses and taking pictures -- freaking out youngest because I had off handedly mentioned I hoped I wouldn't get picked up for terrorist activity because I was taking pictures of random buildings. One home was only a block from my house and across the street and down three houses from one belonging to my mom's maiden aunts. I knew about the maiden aunts house, but the other one belonged to my mom's great aunt and her husband. Did mom know about that? It was a house I always liked and it still has charm.
We went to a cemetery to find the graves of distant relatives I've grown attached to. I've looked for them before, but without luck. Today we found them. This family, in early November of 1879 had 10 members including 8 children. At the end of December 1879, 5 of those children had died of diptheria. I can not imagine the pain of losing a child, 5 Is beyond comprehension. Apparently Diptheria is a virus of sorts where your lungs fill with fluid and you essentially drown. There was no antibiotic at that time to cure the disease and the tracheotomy that could have enabled breathing to occur until the symptoms passed, had not yet been tried. Finding them today and seeing that all their names were on the big tombstone was satisfying. Seeing they each had a little headstone with their initials carved on top gave me peace. Two stones had fallen over. Little Anna's had been lying down so long it was starting to sink into the earth. I picked them both up and tried to smooth the dirt around them. I brushed the moss off of the big tombstone where it was starting to eat away the etchings. I imagined a moment how it must have felt to bury your children one by one. Impossible.
We went to the museum, because my mother-in-law knows someone who said they might be able to answer my questions about some of the photos I had. I barely had the words, "I was wondering..." as I started to pull out a photo, before the woman taking my money quickly informed me she had no idea about anything, because she had only lived there for a couple of years. She then added the other person in the windowed office hadn't lived there long either. AND she further injected that the nearly 90 year old resident historian was in, but that she researched for money. She then walked me back to the research room and asked what files I was interested in. She brought the files out and deposited them on the table. She showed the photos I had of an old school, to the historian who said (from her office) the newer version of the school had been built on the location of the one in my photos. They asked if they could make a copy. They never asked the name of who was in the photos.
And that is when I started to think of the subject of this post. How can you work in a museum that is all about town history and not know anything about the town? There were 4 (probably volunteer) workers sitting and talking as we left. If you know nothing about the very thing you are representing, wouldn't you use your time to find out? No one checked on us in the research room. No one asked if we needed anything else. And we'd had to pay to get in. Very different from the Museum in Warsaw. They only ask for donations and are very friendly and helpful.
So, my thinking is that perspective is a complex issue.
When photographing, I think about what I want to convey with the image I am composing. Looking at the cliches that "time heals all wounds" and "distance makes the heart grow fonder" I take them to simply mean that opinions and memories are shaped by the significance certain events held in your life. Maybe La Porte was always a teeny, tiny, shabby, little place and I just didn't know it because at the time it was THE big wide world? Maybe it isn't the town that has changed. Maybe I am the one who changed; physically and emotionally
And maybe those people at the museum don't care about the history of La Porte because it was never their world. Maybe the people who care for the cemetery didn't notice Anna's stone had fallen over because she doesn't belong to them. There isn't anyone around she belongs to, or who know she belongs to them.
In the broader scheme of things perspective is everything. We can't truly fight for what we believe until we know what we believe and why. People who fight for one current event or another based on how they think-- the people they think will be affected-- will actually be affected... Unless you can speak from personal experience --either yourself or someone you actually know-- then you don't know. We shouldn't jump on bandwagons just because we like the conductor or the song being played.
We need to look at issues from all angles. If we look up at issues, they will seem more powerful and problematic than if we stand over them. Looking at issues square stagnates them and freezes us to inaction. Where as looking at issues from all angles can give them movement and energy.
Perspective {changes} everything.
Distance in time changes your perspective. I spent the last two days in my home town looking at it from the perspective of a visitor. My youngest and I went to the library. The library was my favorite location in town. It is a Carnegie library, and they just finished a year long renovation, so of course the inside is different. But the steps leading up to it seemed different as well. They looked the same but I remember the climb being taller. Somehow they've shrunk over the years.
We drove around trying to find locations of old relatives gleamed from census records and photos. I was trying to find connections to photos where people are posing outside houses but I don't know for sure where they are. I wanted to connect locations to people and to their place in time. In the process of looking for the houses, we drove the path I used to walk to get to my elementary school.
Back then, I had to cross 3 highways to get there. One had a stop light. One wasn't that busy. And one had a crossing guard. And the streets around the school were manned by 6th grade crossing guards with orange vests. (Those interested took turns). I swear I didn't use to be able to see all the way to that 3rd highway from the stoplight at the first. And I swear it was a much longer walk than just 6 blocks. The parking lot at the Catholic church along the way had at snow hills at least a mile long in the winter all on it's own, so there is no way I only had a measly 6 block walk.
And driving around I noticed the homes in town are much shabbier and smaller than I remember. My yard growing up was a huge oasis of dandelions and the bees who liked to rest on them while I ran barefoot from the back door to the alley. Why did the new owners move the alley closer to the back door?
Perspective also changes dependent on how close you are to events. I was trying to locate houses and taking pictures -- freaking out youngest because I had off handedly mentioned I hoped I wouldn't get picked up for terrorist activity because I was taking pictures of random buildings. One home was only a block from my house and across the street and down three houses from one belonging to my mom's maiden aunts. I knew about the maiden aunts house, but the other one belonged to my mom's great aunt and her husband. Did mom know about that? It was a house I always liked and it still has charm.
We went to a cemetery to find the graves of distant relatives I've grown attached to. I've looked for them before, but without luck. Today we found them. This family, in early November of 1879 had 10 members including 8 children. At the end of December 1879, 5 of those children had died of diptheria. I can not imagine the pain of losing a child, 5 Is beyond comprehension. Apparently Diptheria is a virus of sorts where your lungs fill with fluid and you essentially drown. There was no antibiotic at that time to cure the disease and the tracheotomy that could have enabled breathing to occur until the symptoms passed, had not yet been tried. Finding them today and seeing that all their names were on the big tombstone was satisfying. Seeing they each had a little headstone with their initials carved on top gave me peace. Two stones had fallen over. Little Anna's had been lying down so long it was starting to sink into the earth. I picked them both up and tried to smooth the dirt around them. I brushed the moss off of the big tombstone where it was starting to eat away the etchings. I imagined a moment how it must have felt to bury your children one by one. Impossible.
We went to the museum, because my mother-in-law knows someone who said they might be able to answer my questions about some of the photos I had. I barely had the words, "I was wondering..." as I started to pull out a photo, before the woman taking my money quickly informed me she had no idea about anything, because she had only lived there for a couple of years. She then added the other person in the windowed office hadn't lived there long either. AND she further injected that the nearly 90 year old resident historian was in, but that she researched for money. She then walked me back to the research room and asked what files I was interested in. She brought the files out and deposited them on the table. She showed the photos I had of an old school, to the historian who said (from her office) the newer version of the school had been built on the location of the one in my photos. They asked if they could make a copy. They never asked the name of who was in the photos.
And that is when I started to think of the subject of this post. How can you work in a museum that is all about town history and not know anything about the town? There were 4 (probably volunteer) workers sitting and talking as we left. If you know nothing about the very thing you are representing, wouldn't you use your time to find out? No one checked on us in the research room. No one asked if we needed anything else. And we'd had to pay to get in. Very different from the Museum in Warsaw. They only ask for donations and are very friendly and helpful.
So, my thinking is that perspective is a complex issue.
When photographing, I think about what I want to convey with the image I am composing. Looking at the cliches that "time heals all wounds" and "distance makes the heart grow fonder" I take them to simply mean that opinions and memories are shaped by the significance certain events held in your life. Maybe La Porte was always a teeny, tiny, shabby, little place and I just didn't know it because at the time it was THE big wide world? Maybe it isn't the town that has changed. Maybe I am the one who changed; physically and emotionally
And maybe those people at the museum don't care about the history of La Porte because it was never their world. Maybe the people who care for the cemetery didn't notice Anna's stone had fallen over because she doesn't belong to them. There isn't anyone around she belongs to, or who know she belongs to them.
In the broader scheme of things perspective is everything. We can't truly fight for what we believe until we know what we believe and why. People who fight for one current event or another based on how they think-- the people they think will be affected-- will actually be affected... Unless you can speak from personal experience --either yourself or someone you actually know-- then you don't know. We shouldn't jump on bandwagons just because we like the conductor or the song being played.
We need to look at issues from all angles. If we look up at issues, they will seem more powerful and problematic than if we stand over them. Looking at issues square stagnates them and freezes us to inaction. Where as looking at issues from all angles can give them movement and energy.
Perspective {changes} everything.
Thursday, March 2, 2017
Bucket Filled
Youngest had a band concert tonight. Or should I say he participated in a band showcase. Every band the high school performed tonight. Advanced (son's group), 8th grade, and Jazz in the auditorium then Color Guard, Winter guard, and percussion in the gym, then Jazz band 2, Intermediate band, and 7th grade band in the auditorium, and finally Winter percussion and Winter Winds in the gym.
As we waited for the program to start, I saw one of my kids who is now in 7th grade. I said Hi, and he came and sat down with us. He is one of those kids that drove everyone crazy. He likes to put one toe over the line with a smile on his face to see where the line really is. Some felt it disrespectful. We had discussions on knowing when to stop -- that point being before the head of the adult in charge exploded. He is funny, and smart, and just a little bit of an imp. Love him. He told me he and one other from our school were in the high school winter percussion and invited me to see him perform.
I decided to stay a while and hubby and son came home. I spotted one a girl from school. Her sister came over at that moment and I suddenly felt like a rock star. She gave me the biggest hug and then drug me up to some others who had also been in my reading group last year as well as others from my school that were now 7th graders. I told them I would stay to watch them play. They were really good even though you could tell they were nervous. More hugs before they left with their parents.
The winter percussion was starting so I stopped in for a minute before I left for the night. Oh my stars were they awesome! (although I might choose different costumes).
After a day that had its ups and downs, seeing such passion for creating music and best of all seeing kids that mean a lot to me ended it on a high note. I think I just may be a part of somebody's "educational story" and that feels pretty good.
As we waited for the program to start, I saw one of my kids who is now in 7th grade. I said Hi, and he came and sat down with us. He is one of those kids that drove everyone crazy. He likes to put one toe over the line with a smile on his face to see where the line really is. Some felt it disrespectful. We had discussions on knowing when to stop -- that point being before the head of the adult in charge exploded. He is funny, and smart, and just a little bit of an imp. Love him. He told me he and one other from our school were in the high school winter percussion and invited me to see him perform.
I decided to stay a while and hubby and son came home. I spotted one a girl from school. Her sister came over at that moment and I suddenly felt like a rock star. She gave me the biggest hug and then drug me up to some others who had also been in my reading group last year as well as others from my school that were now 7th graders. I told them I would stay to watch them play. They were really good even though you could tell they were nervous. More hugs before they left with their parents.
The winter percussion was starting so I stopped in for a minute before I left for the night. Oh my stars were they awesome! (although I might choose different costumes).
After a day that had its ups and downs, seeing such passion for creating music and best of all seeing kids that mean a lot to me ended it on a high note. I think I just may be a part of somebody's "educational story" and that feels pretty good.
Tuesday, February 7, 2017
It starts here -- Wherever that is
The big news today is, of course, the appointment of Betsy DeVos to Secretary of Education. And apparently this is the end of public education as we know it AND that should make us: sad, mad, outraged, and void of all hope.
I honestly don't care if she is Secretary of Ed or not. If she had been rejected I would not have cared.
However, I do have questions of those who feel so emphatically that DeVos is just one of the atrocious choices made by an administration that is less than three weeks old.
What was education like before The Secretary of Education became a cabinet level position? If I am reading the history correctly, President Carter made it a cabinet level position in 1979. I am guessing in an attempt to ensure that poorer states and districts had opportunities that government could provide? This is an admirable attempt to try to provide equity in opportunity.
Has it succeeded?
One of the top concerns of those opposing DeVos is her support of Charter Schools. The belief as well as truth is that Charter Schools take money away from public schools. So I've done some research.
The first Charter school was opened in the 1990's under President Clinton as a way of expanding public education. President Bush allowed it to be an alternative for parents in failing districts. In this article
https://www2.ed.gov/news/pressreleases/2009/06/06082009a.html
not only does it state that President Obama and his Secretary Arne Duncan were in favor of Charter schools, they also tied the expansion of Charter Schools to their Race to the Top replacement of No Child Left Behind established by President Bush.
This link
https://www.edreform.com/issues/federal-policy/race-to-the-top/
and the links within, demonstrate how states who did not allow the expansion of Charter Schools would be penalized on the rubric determining federal dollars that would be distributed by the Department of Ed. to those attempting to obtain Race to the Top dollars. Did everyone march in the streets to protest Charter Schools at that time?
The other main criticism is her lack of experience in public education.
http://blogs.edweek.org/edweek/campaign-k-12/2016/02/education-secretaries-who-were-also-teachers.html
In the above article, they go through each Secretary of Education and their experience level.
The first, Shirley Hufstedler, was a lawyer and a judge. She served under Jimmy Carter.
The second-- Terrell H. Bell-- was a teacher and superintendent and is credited with the report A Nation at Risk. The article says many believe it was at this time the persistent bashing of public education began. He left in Regan's second term because Reagan still meant to dismantle the department of Education.
William J Bennett who served under Reagan didn't have any K-12 experience but did have some at the college level.
The same is true of Lauro F Cavazos who served under Bush 41 and taught at the college level with a medical background.
Ted Sanders did have a K-12 background and served interim under Bush 41.
Then Bush 41 appointed Lamar Alexander, a politician who had made education reform a cornerstone of his Govenership in Tennessee but had no personal experience.
Clinton had Richard Riley who had also been a Governor ( in South Carolina) and had made Education Reform part of his platform.
Roderick Paige, who served under Bush 43, did have a K-12 background. But Margaret Spellings did not-- and she is credited in helping draft No Child Left Behind. She was, however, the first mother of school aged children to serve as Secretary of Education.
Obama had Arne Duncan who had been in charge of the Chicago Public Schools and had experience in other administrative rolls pertaining to education. He helped draft the Race to the Top initiative.
Obama also had John B King as an interim Secretary and Mr. King had taught High School.
So, Mrs. DeVos is not the only Secretary to not have classroom experience in a K-12 setting or for some, in any setting. I could argue some of those who had experience made things worse.
And if you think locally, when was the last time your Superintendent or Curriculum Director were in a classroom? The further from experience they get the more "expert" they feel they are. Perhaps Mrs. DeVos, because she doesn't have experience, will be more willing to listen to those of us in the trenches.
Educators seem to be digging in to defend an education system that is broken. If it worked parents wouldn't be trying to escape it. To say it isn't fair to the poor kids or the inner city kids or the fill in the blank kids, is not an accurate assessment. THOSE kids deserve the opportunity to escape as well. And if I am being completely honest, I am glad our youngest is a junior. If the changes going on now, where we are, had started when the boys were in elementary, we would be looking for a different district. I can care about the kids in our care, in our community, in our state, in our country, in the world even, but if it comes down to a choice between what is best for my child or ensuring my kid is lockstep and on par with every other child -- even if that means swimming in a sea of mediocrity, I'm sorry -- my kid comes first.
We can all name what is wrong with public education. Many are--in all forms of social media. How many are doing more than just angrily lamenting all with which we disagree? I wish all the educators who called congress about saying No to DeVos would call their representatives about reforming education in their states and districts.
Because when your really get down to it, it is the states that interpret what the federal government says and the districts who interpret what the state says and the principals who interpret what the district says. We can't fix it by trying to control one person in Washington.
How many are willing to get together with your colleagues and march to the principal's office and demand support? How many are willing to get together with your district and storm the superintendents office and tell them how you wish to be represented to the state? What change that really matters to you and can really make a difference in your classroom and maybe even to your personal health and emotional well being are you willing to fight for in your school?
Start there.
I honestly don't care if she is Secretary of Ed or not. If she had been rejected I would not have cared.
However, I do have questions of those who feel so emphatically that DeVos is just one of the atrocious choices made by an administration that is less than three weeks old.
What was education like before The Secretary of Education became a cabinet level position? If I am reading the history correctly, President Carter made it a cabinet level position in 1979. I am guessing in an attempt to ensure that poorer states and districts had opportunities that government could provide? This is an admirable attempt to try to provide equity in opportunity.
Has it succeeded?
One of the top concerns of those opposing DeVos is her support of Charter Schools. The belief as well as truth is that Charter Schools take money away from public schools. So I've done some research.
The first Charter school was opened in the 1990's under President Clinton as a way of expanding public education. President Bush allowed it to be an alternative for parents in failing districts. In this article
https://www2.ed.gov/news/pressreleases/2009/06/06082009a.html
not only does it state that President Obama and his Secretary Arne Duncan were in favor of Charter schools, they also tied the expansion of Charter Schools to their Race to the Top replacement of No Child Left Behind established by President Bush.
This link
https://www.edreform.com/issues/federal-policy/race-to-the-top/
and the links within, demonstrate how states who did not allow the expansion of Charter Schools would be penalized on the rubric determining federal dollars that would be distributed by the Department of Ed. to those attempting to obtain Race to the Top dollars. Did everyone march in the streets to protest Charter Schools at that time?
The other main criticism is her lack of experience in public education.
http://blogs.edweek.org/edweek/campaign-k-12/2016/02/education-secretaries-who-were-also-teachers.html
In the above article, they go through each Secretary of Education and their experience level.
The first, Shirley Hufstedler, was a lawyer and a judge. She served under Jimmy Carter.
The second-- Terrell H. Bell-- was a teacher and superintendent and is credited with the report A Nation at Risk. The article says many believe it was at this time the persistent bashing of public education began. He left in Regan's second term because Reagan still meant to dismantle the department of Education.
William J Bennett who served under Reagan didn't have any K-12 experience but did have some at the college level.
The same is true of Lauro F Cavazos who served under Bush 41 and taught at the college level with a medical background.
Ted Sanders did have a K-12 background and served interim under Bush 41.
Then Bush 41 appointed Lamar Alexander, a politician who had made education reform a cornerstone of his Govenership in Tennessee but had no personal experience.
Clinton had Richard Riley who had also been a Governor ( in South Carolina) and had made Education Reform part of his platform.
Roderick Paige, who served under Bush 43, did have a K-12 background. But Margaret Spellings did not-- and she is credited in helping draft No Child Left Behind. She was, however, the first mother of school aged children to serve as Secretary of Education.
Obama had Arne Duncan who had been in charge of the Chicago Public Schools and had experience in other administrative rolls pertaining to education. He helped draft the Race to the Top initiative.
Obama also had John B King as an interim Secretary and Mr. King had taught High School.
So, Mrs. DeVos is not the only Secretary to not have classroom experience in a K-12 setting or for some, in any setting. I could argue some of those who had experience made things worse.
And if you think locally, when was the last time your Superintendent or Curriculum Director were in a classroom? The further from experience they get the more "expert" they feel they are. Perhaps Mrs. DeVos, because she doesn't have experience, will be more willing to listen to those of us in the trenches.
Educators seem to be digging in to defend an education system that is broken. If it worked parents wouldn't be trying to escape it. To say it isn't fair to the poor kids or the inner city kids or the fill in the blank kids, is not an accurate assessment. THOSE kids deserve the opportunity to escape as well. And if I am being completely honest, I am glad our youngest is a junior. If the changes going on now, where we are, had started when the boys were in elementary, we would be looking for a different district. I can care about the kids in our care, in our community, in our state, in our country, in the world even, but if it comes down to a choice between what is best for my child or ensuring my kid is lockstep and on par with every other child -- even if that means swimming in a sea of mediocrity, I'm sorry -- my kid comes first.
We can all name what is wrong with public education. Many are--in all forms of social media. How many are doing more than just angrily lamenting all with which we disagree? I wish all the educators who called congress about saying No to DeVos would call their representatives about reforming education in their states and districts.
Because when your really get down to it, it is the states that interpret what the federal government says and the districts who interpret what the state says and the principals who interpret what the district says. We can't fix it by trying to control one person in Washington.
How many are willing to get together with your colleagues and march to the principal's office and demand support? How many are willing to get together with your district and storm the superintendents office and tell them how you wish to be represented to the state? What change that really matters to you and can really make a difference in your classroom and maybe even to your personal health and emotional well being are you willing to fight for in your school?
Start there.
Sunday, November 20, 2016
Woefully behind
I had good intentions of writing every day what I am thankful for, but exhaustion and life have gotten in the way.
I can't promise the next days won't be the same. So some things I am grateful for on a regular basis:
Mondays youngest has newspaper after school so I stay after at my school and visit with one of my best friends. Her kids are in another district now and involved in their own activities so this is one of the only opportunities I have to talk with her face to face. It is a wonderful time to share frustrations and to laugh. She is one of my only confidants and I value the 45 minutes I get to spend nearly every Monday.
Said oldest son empties the dishwasher every morning. This makes the mornings so much smoother and I don't feel like I am the hired help. It has taken a huge amount of stress out of the mornings because I am not the only one working to get us out the door. For those with younger kids, it does get easier. I am grateful for that.
Husband is done with soccer now and is home on Fridays again. After the week apart, my very most favorite moment of the entire week is that moment when we are in bed and he spoons me. I feel so safe and cared for and knowing he is there to help with life again allows me to relax and breathe. That singular moment is what I am grateful for every weekend.
I have friends who have been married about the same amount of time that hubby and I have whose marriages are ending. Not for abuse or anything horrible -- they have just grown apart. I can't imagine starting over at nearly 50 by choice. I am so grateful for my hubby and the effort and work we both put into this marriage. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. Because of him we have two amazing boys. Because of him, things in his work world and concentric circles outward have changed for the better. He is a good man and I am grateful for him every single day.
We got to spend 3 hours with my sisters and their families yesterday. We are spread out in age and personalities and after losing our parents we could have drifted apart. We don't talk often. We don't get together often. But yesterday was wonderful and I am grateful we have each other.
And as a bonus, I am grateful they have finally come to appreciate the importance of the photograph. Memories can be captured by the heart but photographic evidence is wonderful.
And lastly for today, we got an email today that we don't have subs for tomorrow so I will be filling in tomorrow. I have to cancel reading groups for my K's and 2nd graders which disappoints me, but at least I have a heads up. Usually it is a last minute scramble. So I am grateful for early warnings of schedule changes.
Hopefully I can find more to be thankful for tomorrow despite the change.
I can't promise the next days won't be the same. So some things I am grateful for on a regular basis:
Mondays youngest has newspaper after school so I stay after at my school and visit with one of my best friends. Her kids are in another district now and involved in their own activities so this is one of the only opportunities I have to talk with her face to face. It is a wonderful time to share frustrations and to laugh. She is one of my only confidants and I value the 45 minutes I get to spend nearly every Monday.
Said oldest son empties the dishwasher every morning. This makes the mornings so much smoother and I don't feel like I am the hired help. It has taken a huge amount of stress out of the mornings because I am not the only one working to get us out the door. For those with younger kids, it does get easier. I am grateful for that.
Husband is done with soccer now and is home on Fridays again. After the week apart, my very most favorite moment of the entire week is that moment when we are in bed and he spoons me. I feel so safe and cared for and knowing he is there to help with life again allows me to relax and breathe. That singular moment is what I am grateful for every weekend.
I have friends who have been married about the same amount of time that hubby and I have whose marriages are ending. Not for abuse or anything horrible -- they have just grown apart. I can't imagine starting over at nearly 50 by choice. I am so grateful for my hubby and the effort and work we both put into this marriage. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. Because of him we have two amazing boys. Because of him, things in his work world and concentric circles outward have changed for the better. He is a good man and I am grateful for him every single day.
We got to spend 3 hours with my sisters and their families yesterday. We are spread out in age and personalities and after losing our parents we could have drifted apart. We don't talk often. We don't get together often. But yesterday was wonderful and I am grateful we have each other.
And as a bonus, I am grateful they have finally come to appreciate the importance of the photograph. Memories can be captured by the heart but photographic evidence is wonderful.
And lastly for today, we got an email today that we don't have subs for tomorrow so I will be filling in tomorrow. I have to cancel reading groups for my K's and 2nd graders which disappoints me, but at least I have a heads up. Usually it is a last minute scramble. So I am grateful for early warnings of schedule changes.
Hopefully I can find more to be thankful for tomorrow despite the change.
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
Thankful Day one
If it were possible to hug a day, today was a day to bear hug.
Younger son and I went for a walk after school down our country roads and as we walked the overwhelming thought in my head was, "What a gift!"
Warm air stirred by strong breezes wafted leaves from the trees to shower the road as we walked. I love to take photos and as I listened to my son talk about his day at school and what homework he had for the night, I kept wishing I had my camera with me to capture the angle of branches on the trees that were now uncovered from their summer layers. You normally think of "dappled" pertaining to the patches of light and dark on the ground, but the angle of the sun made the orange practically sparkle -- if it's possible for orange to sparkle. The sky was pale blue and made the perfect background for the colors of the leaves. I asked my son to take a picture of one tree in particular, that was stunning, with his phone since I didn't even have that with me.
After we got home, my wonderful 17 year old son even agreed to humor me by collecting some leaves from the yard and tossing them in the air so I could get a picture of falling leaves. I wish there was a way to bottle days like this, but I guess if they were common we wouldn't appreciate them as much.
For the beauty of the day and the gift of a teenage son I adore, I am truly thankful.
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